Red Reaper

If you've never heard of this movie, I wouldn't blame you.

This is one of those movies where you see the DVD cover and you just know it's going to be painful to watch.

And this is the better version.

That rechead up there is a woman named Tara Cardinal, who not only starred in this movie, but also wrote, directed and produced it.

You can tell there this is going.

But there's worse.

One of the executive producers is a guy named Uwe Boll. If you've not heard of Uwe Boll then let me tell you what he's famous for.

1; Using German tax loopholes to screw investors out of money.

2; Making atrociously bad action movies such as Bloodrayne.

3; Challenging film critics to boxing matches so that he can beat them into submission.

Classy.

The movie begins with an obnoxious quote.

This is how Uwe Boll justifies his movies.

As the titles cards flash by we get some short clips of a fortune teller throwing some runestones around and gazing into a crystal ball.

And she's not impressed by the effects either.

She sees a bunch of daemons murdering civilians whilst the phrase "Kill the prisoners" is repeated by someone off-screen.

I feel as though I can spoil this (Since nobody's going to want to see this film) but this is both a prophecy and a flashback rolled into one.

The crystal ball then changes to show the face of the big bad guy for the movie.

This guy.

We then go into a flashback properly and see the fortune teller hand her daughter over to the daemon Ganesh, who's not only the leader of the daemons but also the little girl's father.

The teller did this to receive a vial of his blood, which can apparently do all sorts of things to humans if they drink it.

Daemon blood, yummy.

This is all told to us in voice-over by the main character, who may have genuinely done it over the phone, judging by how invested she sounds.

For reference, she sounds as invested as this kid looks.

For the next forty years the daemons torture her for their own amusement, until she inevitably escaped and swore an oath to get her vengeance on them.

I say escaped but she was actually rescued by a clan of Reapers.

Reapers are what this movie calls human/daemon hybrids, presumably because Tiefling is copywritten.

The voiceover goes on to explain that the Reapers drove the Daemons into exile and although the humans hate and fear them, they are sworn to defend them.

Why though?

If the Reapers drove the Daemons into exile then why do the humans hate them?

Heck, later on the humans make deals with the Daemons to get rid of the Reapers, despite the fact that the Daemons continue to publicly torture and murder humans.

Anyhoo, the voiceover continues to drone on about how she is Aella, the Red Reaper, who is prohecised to be the last of the Reapers.

Which means every other Reaper dies and we don't need to become emotionally invested in them.

After the flashback/voiceover/info-dump we open with Aella's training.

It's so poorly-directed that this was the best screenshot I could get.

The action in this movie is neither directed nor performed nor edited well. You're lucky to go for more than one second without an edit and the actors clearly have no idea how to even hold a sword let alone swing one.

Apparently they didn't bother to teach her how to escape the most half-assed hold possible.

Aella continues to narrate as she trains against other young Reapers as the main credits pop up on screen and I get the surprise of my life.

Wait.... What?

In case you don't know, George Perez is a writer/artist for some major comic books, including Marvel and DC. His biggest work was when he did the long-awaited crossover between the Avengers and the Justice League, giving us some definitive, in-canon answers to all of the 'Who would win' questions us geeks love to ask.

So what the heck is he doing in this film?

When I first saw the name I assumed it was a different guy but according to IMDB it's the same bloke, though Wikipedia doesn't list this film at all.

So I'm stumped.

This effect is just plain bad though.

Aella continues to monologue (It's been over 5 minutes non-stop and doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon), this time about the last prophecy that hasn't been fulfilled.

The one about her being the last Reaper.

She claims that the prophecy promised a great many things, but she was none of them.

She says this, despite the prophecy very clearly describing her, right down to her parentage and hair colour.

Can it promise us better effects?

As a bonus cliche, Aella tells us that she's in love with a man she can't have.

Because we really needed a forbidden romance in this movie about slaying Daemons.

I shall dub thee, Prince Jawline.

They play-fight and flirt (Awkwardly) before he pushes her against a tree and the scene shifts to morning, where the king is hosting a party celebrating the official alliance between the humans and the Reapers (So much or humans hating and fearing them).

The party also celebrates Prince Jawline's 25th birthday and his coronation as the first king of Aenid.

Which makes no sense as it's Jawline's father who's speaking, so surely he's currently the king? Or is it a new kingdom, in which case who gave this old guy the right to name his son as the king?

Anyway, Prince Jawline is engaged to another woman despite his love for Aella, due to it being forbidden for Reapers to have children.

Or something.

It's unclear.

I feel sorry for that guy at the end since he'll be made redundant once wall sconces are invented.

Also, the line-up of the Reapers smacks of tokenism. Most of them are white people, but they have one black guy, one native American and one Asian.

How a native American and an Asian managed to join is a mystery since this seems to take place in a generic medieval Europe setting, but since neither of them get any personality anyway I think they're there just as a 'Look at how diverse we are'.

After the party Aella stands on the castle walls and has a flashback to her childhood (I hope you like flashbacks. Specifically this flashback. We'll be seeing it a lot) when the Reaper leader comes to talk to her.

Shockingly, it's an old white guy.

The old guy talks to Aella about her mother (Which she doesn't want to hear about), about how the Reapers must soon leave the humans to defend themselves (She doesn't want to hear about that either) and also about how she'll be the last Reaper (She doesn't enjoy hearing about that either).

I should point out that she's supposed to be over 100, but she acts like a teenager.
(A teenager with obviously dyed hair).

He goes on to explain why Reapers are not allowed to fall in love (As you can expect, she's positively ecstatic to hear about that) before the scene shifts to more training, this time unarmed.

And again, it sucks.

As Aella trains against another Reaper she has a flashback to her time being tortured and she claws her friend's face.

That, or she smears some blackberry jam on her.

As the others leave the old white dude shows up and asks if Aella's improved (They apparently don't care about the other girl's face) to which her trainer happily says that she has improved immensely.

And he's immediately called on his BS.

But he was so convincing.

He has a go at her for not controlling herself and at first  think he's genuinely going to berate her for clawing open someone's face, but instead he asks her to explain why she's still seeing Prince Jawline, to which she gives this response.

I'm going to call this 'Immortal teenager syndrome', the habit of immortal characters acting like immature morons.

They argue about the rules and the land and 'wayward daughters' and blah and blah and blah...

Aella responds that he didn't care much about the rules when he married her mother, but he retorts about how well that turned out, which angers Aella (For some reason).

They even added a tiger growl sound effect, for some reason.
A sound clip of Kevin and Perry screaming "It's so unfair" would be more appropriate.

Later, back at the castle, Aella is reflecting on the days events whilst undressing and OH MY FAWKING GAWD THERE'S MORE NARRATING!

"I was born wrong..."

WE FREAKING KNOW ALREADY! YOU WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Aella continues to monologue about stuff we already know with less interest in the plot than the audience, eventually explaining that she and fellow Reaper Andre play a game of hide and seek regularly.

Ok, technically she provides us with more information about the black guy but none of it ultimately matters.

Oh, and there are naturally more scenes from the flashback of her time being tortured. Because they only filmed one scene of them doing that and they want to get their money's worth.

I can't work out if he's flogging Aella, the script-writer or a dead horse.

Whilst trying to meditate Aella suffers a confusing mess of flashbacks and flashforwards, including contantly hearing the phrase "Kill the prisoners" and scenes of Ganesh fighting her fellow Reapers.

She does nothing with this info, nor does she tell anybody.

These visions cause her to fall out of the tree she's hiding in, only for Andre to catch her.

Strangely, despite falling face-first from the tree, Aella's unconscious form managed to tumble in just such a way that Andre was able to catch her in this manner.

Andre and the black guy (His name's Kreoss, but his role in the movie is 'The black guy') both mock Aella's hiding ability, pointing out that an untrained human was able to find her, which causes her to stomp her foot and storm off.

Seriously, she stomps her foot, like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

And what the feck is that woman on the right wearing?

One of the gaggle of woman, Endeara, chases after Aella to talk. The problem is, Endeara is engaged to Prince Jawline, so Aella doesn't like her.

Endeara proposes a 'Truce' where neither of the two will speak to Prince Jawline before the wedding and then let him choose between them.

This sounds like such a great deal, doesn't it? Clearly neither girl will go back on their word, right?

If you believe that, I happen to have a bridge for sale.

We can't blame Aella for being dumb enough to fall for it, she was just written that way.

The very next day, whilst out shopping for jewellery, Aella spots Endeara breaking the agreement and talking to Jawline.

"Cure your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

Endeara leaves, so Aella takes the chance to chat to Jawline herself, which Endeara spots.

Meaning that not only did they both break their agreement, but they both know about it.

Making the entire thing a massive waste of time.

I don't think even the character understands why she's in the movie.

Later, whilst training against Kreoss, Aella treats us to yet more narration.

Lucky us.

Apparently, after the face-clawing incident, the other Reapers are too scared of Aella to train with her.

Though this doesn't stop Andre from hanging out in her room chatting to her.

This movie gets an F- for consistency.

One of Jawline's servants shows up with a message for Aella, but Andre refuses to leave so he has to deliver Jawline's embarrassingly lovey-dovey speech whilst he giggle in the background.

Because Aella's not the only character to act childishily in this movie.

Yes, this is just as cringeworthy as it seems.

As the servant gets up to leave, Aella says "Thank you Pere."

Pere is the character that George Perez is credited as playing.

So, now that we can get a good look, is it really the legendary comic creator?

Turns out, yes.
Wait.... What?

Yep, one of the most talented comic book creators of all time decided to play a cringeworthy bit character in an Uwe Boll movie.

I don't want t live on this planet any more.

The next day Kreoss asks Aella about her premonitions (Andre informed him), but Aella gets angry at the comparison to her mother and does another tiger growl, which causes Kreoss to call off the training and declare her dead to him.

And then he laughs at her?
This movie makes no sense.

Aella has yet more flashbacks whilst Kreoss laughs, which causes her to go berserk and attack him.

Maybe he was laughing at how inconsistently dyed her hair was.

Kreoss yells that any other Reaper would have died from a wound like that, before he twirls her around and bites her neck as though he were a vampire.

Because in this movie, Daemons and Vampires are interchangeable.

They fight a bit more, which Kreoss handily defeating Aella, before he declares that she's not ready and is dead to him.

And no, you didn't just read the same sentence twice.

Apparently, the first time he said it, it was actually Aella's premonition.

The fact that this happened immediately after he mentioned premonitions doesn't seem to occur to either of them.

But, mostly it just confuses the audience as to what the HIFL just happened.

On her way back (Covered in cuts and bruises that weren't there during the fight) Aella bumps into a woman who's baby is being kidnapped, so she charges in to rescue them.

While the kick is impressive, I'm more distracted by the lack of a wound beneath the bloody gash in her sleeve.

After easily beating up the men Aella goes to hand the baby back to the mother, but she reveals that it was an ambush as more men emerge from the woods.

And these ones were smart enough to use arrows.

When she wakes up Aella finds herself chained to a table by several men, one of which gives a big speech about how she isn't human but is an animal who exists only to be used.

And by 'used' I mean 'have her blood harvested'.

Apparently her half-Daemon blood can grant humans strength. Not as much as a full Daemon's blood, but still a noticeable amount.

If it weren't for this red filter we'd never know that these were the bad guys.

Aella loses consciousness and has yet more visions of Ganesh, including the exact same scene of him whipping her that we've seen multiple times now.

When she wakes up the chainmail guy gets all creepy and tells his men that he might keep her as a pet. This causes her to get angry enough to break a chain and stab him in the shoulder.

He prepares to kill her, but someone else shows up and casts some kind of spell.

I'm not sure what kind of spell, the movie's kinda fuzzy on it.

Whatever it does to Chainmail Guy it allows the stranger to grab Aella and leave, taking her to a tiny hut on a remote peninsula somewhere.

It turns out that the stranger was the fortune teller from the beginning, aka Aella's mother.

This chick.

Aella's mother has an argument with her other daughter (Who exists purely so that she can have someone to exposit to, but given this movie's penchant for voiceovers she's entirely unnecessary) about whether or not they should give Aella the remaining Daemon blood they got from Ganesh.

Oh, and the movie naturally takes this opportunity to show us yet more flashbacks/visions/premonitions, since Aella's unconscious and that's just what you do in a lazy movie like this one.

It shows us the same dang scene over and over again.

There's an extended sequence about Ganesh's blood intruding in her mind, making her mix up the past and the present.

But really it's an excuse to use those same scenes again.

I mean, what's the point of this? They've already told us that there's a prophecy where she's the last Reaper so we already know that she's going to survive. There's no tension here, just boredom whilst we wait for it to be over with.

Whilst all of this is going on, elsewhere a man gives another man a vial of Aella's blood.

The movie has not deigned to bother telling us who any of these people are though.

The bald guy asks another man how many people he rounded up, only to be thoroughly disappointed with the answer.

I shall dub these men Lord Bald and Prince Chin, because there names are not important, only their roles.

Meanwhile, Prince Jawline is chatting to the old white guy about Aella's disappearance, but no-one seems worried about her, figuring that she just ran away without saying goodbye.

Because they're all frigging idiots.

Eventually, after what feels like a lifetime, Aella wakes up, only to be unpleasantly surprised by her location.

Aella's mother explains that Ganesh promised to stay away from the humans as long as she handed over their daughter. Her mother didn't want to and bartered until he agreed to give her his blood which, unbeknownst to him, would grant Aella additional strength.

As Aella stares at her with a dumbfounded expression on her face, her mother explains that Prince Jawline's coronation is that night, which also happens to be the night Ganesh plans to launch his attack.

She also explains that the men who stole her blood are working for Ganesh, since they don't want a king chosen by Reapers.

They apparently wouldn't mind one who does deals with Daemons though.

I haven't really mentioned it, but the scene where Aella, her mother and her sister talk is very off-putting. They have this habit of focusing on a character, then switching to a different character just as they start talking. It happens so much I started to wonder if they were supposed to be psychic, but there were moments where the character would open their mouth to talk just as the camera switched away from them.

It's a bizarre technique, which would probably be suitably off-putting in the right situation, but here it just feels as though the director had no idea what they were doing.

Even the characters are starting to get headaches from it.

As Aella runs back to the kingdom to try to protect it, everyone else prepares for the coronation.

Most notably, Lord Bald and his son, Prince Chin. Lord Bald brags to his son that they will take what belongs to them, before noticing that his son hasn't drunk his portion of blood. This angers Lord Bald, who forces it down Prince Chin's throat.

Just mix it in his his cheese, he'll never notice the taste.

The blood has a more pronounced effect on Prince Chin than the others, turning him more animalistic.

Lord Bald's forces engage the Reapers and seem to get their asses continuously kicked. Even Prince Jawline's regular guards seem to have little trouble fighting them.

Aella makes it back back finds several civilians slaughtered, including Endeara's father. 

All-in-all, the fighting is sloppy, clearly portrayed by cheaply hired LARPers rather than stuntmen. Even so, a decent choreographer could have pulled it off.

This movie did not have a decent choreographer.

It also didn't have a decent editor, since we see several distinct villains get stabbed and killed, only for them to be seen fighting later as though nothing had happened.

Also, it looks like a LARP fight.

The white old guy starts giving people orders, telling Andre to gather the woman and lead them out of the castle. He also tells the blonde Reaper to get to the village and instructs Aella to protect Prince Jawline.

Aella arrives just as he gets injured, so she and his one remaining guard (Who's a pretty hefty bloke) carry him to a barn so she can tie a tourniquet. But just as they reach it, an enemy shows up and attacks them. The hefty guard locks the door and stays back to buy them time.

However, while the guard is hefty, the enemy is a frigging giant.

This movie was made shortly after Game Of Thrones became super popular. I have a feeling the writer watched it.

Hefty tries to fight Giant, but his blows bounce off. So he grabs his sword and escapes, which apparently confuses Giant, who wanders off.

Seriously? How did you lose him?

This grants Aella enough time to tend to both Jawline and herself, though it does require her to lose her outer clothes.

For some reason.

Luckily she just happened to be wearing her fetish gear.

Meanwhile, as the female Reapers lead the women to the village, the blonde notices something.

But before I get to that, just take a look at this.

This is the Asian Reaper. She has a pair of Butterfly blades.
No, this is never explained.

What the blonde notices turns out to be a bunch of Daemons who were lying in wait to ambush them, but for some reason waited until they had been noticed before launching their ambush.

They also politely split up to fight the Reapers one-on-one, rather than ganging up to kill them easier.

The Daemons butcher all of the Reapers, making me question whether their training was truly up to snuff, with the exception of the blonde one.

Who, I just noticed, wields a Bo staff. A Bo staff is a very useful and versatile weapon. But what it does not have is a cutting feature.

It is stated in the movie that Daemons only die if you cut their heads off.

So why the HIFL does she use a Bo staff?

Anyway, back at the castle the other group of Reapers come across Lord Bald and Prince Chin, with one of the Reapers getting angry and charging.

Since this particular Reaper has not been seen at all before now, you can guess how well that goes.

"Wait, swords kill people?"

Prince Chin freaks out and runs off.

The old white guy strides forward and kills the remaining guards before meeting Lord Bald in battle.

And they give it their all.... Ish.
Roughly.

Just as they're about to actually fight however, Ganesh shows up. The other Reapers attempt to stand against him, but his bodyguard easily kills them.

With an attack that conveniently avoids damaging the expensive costumes.

Ganesh orders his men to leave so that he and the old white guy can have a proper fight.

The fight is lame, but not as lame a the special effects.

I think they're trying to make Ganesh seem supernaturally powerful or something, but it just looks like someone's permanently shining a spotlight in his face.

That or they're very bad at Photoshop.

Ganesh kills the old white guy, taunting him as he does so.

Whilst all of this has been going on, Aella has been trying to revive Jawline.

She does this by slitting her wrist and trying to get him to drink her blood.

If they wanted to make a vampire movie they should have just made a vampire movie.

Then, she's just randomly elsewhere, fully dressed, with no explanation.

A voiceover from Aella says that she doesn't remember having left him, but it doesn't actually answer any of the questions. The plot just needed her to be elsewhere and so she's elsewhere.

And she's now saving the mother and baby again, but this time from Daemons rather than humans.

Saving her from the Daemons who are randomly prancing around rather than actually attacking her.

Aella charges in and slams one against a tree. When she turns around she's suddenly covered in dirt and blood, despite having been perfectly clean moments earlier.

It's almost like this movie was badly edited or something.

Aella charges the rest and cuts off one of their hands, which causes the rest to run away in fear.

Despite outnumbering her about seven-to-one and having butchered other Reapers with ease.

A bunch more Daemons come running out of the woods to attack Aella (What, did the first lot just want to give her time to hand the baby back to the mother? How randomly considerate of them), but Aella receives backup when Kreoss arrives.

Yay, the competent one's here. Maybe we'll get to see a cool fight scene at last.

I guess not.

Yup, just as Kreoss shows up to be all badass, Ganesh slices his head off without any effort.

At least in this movie the black dude didn't die first, he just died pointlessly.

What a waste of an almost-interesting character.

Oh, then he defeats Aella too.

Ganesh orders his Daemons to get Jawline and kill him properly (Aella just left his unconscious body in the woods somewhere) and they leave.

They don't even take Aella with them, or tie her up or kill her, they just leave her there.

Her voiceover (Ugh) tells us that she got up and started running to find Jawline.

Why did this entire situation with the mother and baby happen again? All that occurred was that she separated herself from Jawline and got Kreoss killed. Pretty sure the story could have accomplished that another way.

Oh, and she cleaned the blood and dirt off her face as well.
That's a very important detail.

Meanwhile, Chainmail guy and his men found Jawline and started carrying him off, but just as one starts complaining that the effects of the blood are wearing off, Jawline wakes up and kicks their asses.

Presumably he gained extra strength from Aella's blood.

I mean, it's not outright stated, but it's kinda implied.

Jawline walks straight up to Chainmail and effortlessly knocks his sword out of the way.

Chainmail begs to be spared, but Jawline points out if he killed Chainmail then he would be down a servant for no good reason.

Which is a pretty decent way to intimidate someone into submission.

Also, the sword and superhuman strength help too.

After Chainmail and his men flee in terror, Jawline collapses in pain, presumably from either his injuries or his body rejecting the Reaper blood.

Not that it matters, since Aella finds Chainmail and tears his entrails out whilst demanding to be told where Jawline is.

Chainmail did not have a good day.

One of the men runs off and Aella chases him.

And I use the word 'Chase' quite wrongly.

She more 'Walks slowly' after him.

But then again, it is recycled footage.

Just this time without the red filter.

Aella goes on a killing spree, even killing a random woman fleeing in terror.

She comes across Giant from earlier who stands in her way.

And she just punches him in the face before moving on.

Why was he in this movie again?

Aella finally catches up to the fleeing man and uses him as a battering ram to enter Lord Bald's house. She kills his men as he flees, before she rounds on Prince Chin, who's busily sobbing in the corner.

Luckily for Prince Chin Jawline shows up and saves his life, telling Aella not to kill him.

She's at first hesitant, but eventually listens to his plan of 'Not killing everybody'.

Aella calms down but does run off again (Maybe he should put a leash on her? Or a tracking chip?) and Jawline turns to Chin and, through some compassion, gets him to stop sobbing long enough to agree to help sort out his father's mess.

Well, I think I've found who should have been the protagonist. Jawline is far more likeable than Aella.

As dawn breaks the Daemons finally get their prisoners to the Daemon fortress, which include Endeara, the blonde Reaper, another Reaper and Endeara's maid (Who's been one of the few worthwhile characters. She beat a Daemon round the head with a candlestick to save Endeara).

If they'd been planning this for so long, you'd expect them to at least have a cage ready for their prisoners.

One of the Daemons picks up a prisoner and chokes her to death for no apparent reason, though Ganesh seems to find it amusing.

Just in case you couldn't tell that he was evil by this point.

Meanwhile, Andre and fellow Reaper Keith (Who hasn't done anything up to this point) finally catch up to the prisoners....

Hold on a moment.

Ganesh is already there.

The prisoners were caught before Ganesh killed the old white guy.

Andre and Keith witnessed the killing.

Andre and Keith left immediately to follow the prisoners in an attempt to catch them and free them.

Ganesh found Aella and killed Kreoss.

So how the HIFL did Ganesh get back to his fortress before the prisoners did, especially after his detour to not kill Aella?

I forgot, this is an Uwe Boll movie, it doesn't have to make sense.

Anyway, back to Worthless and Worthlesser.

They make a plan for Andre to distract the Daemons whilst Keith frees the other Reapers to even the odds.

Because Reapers have proven so good at killing Daemons so far.

They sneak around and Andre loudly murders a Daemon, causing literally all of the others to go chasing after him, laving the prisoners completely unguarded.

Even Ganesh himself goes after him, though he's smart enough to order his bodyguard to turn around and watch the prisoners.

This does give Keith enough time to cut the prisoners free.

Sadly, Keith's an idiot and instead of using the knife he carries with him, he decided to untie the knots instead.

It's especially stupid since he apparently really, really sucks at untying knots.

As Keith struggles in vain with the knot, the bodyguard strolls up to him and throws him against a rock, knocking him unconscious.

Why did they bring Keith again?

Jawline, Chin and their men approach the fortress but encounter more Daemons who fling them around like ragdolls until Aella shows up and tells the soldiers to go for the throats.

You'd think this would be something the Reapers could have told them earlier, but.....

Wait.

Aella ran away from Jawline and headed straight for the fortress, already knowing its' location.

Jawline and Chin had to waste time gathering men and also presumably didn't know the exact location, so would have needed a tracker which would have slowed their progress.

But they still managed to get their first?

How does that work?

Oh, that's right, it's an Uwe Boll movie, it doesn't have to make sense.

Also, this scene is frigging stupid.

That screenshot ain't great, so I'll explain what's going on.

Aella has jumped on the back of a Daemon and wrapped her legs around one arm, with her arms around the other. She is now spinning him round and using his sword to parry blows.

I now need to go wipe my ears because I can feel my brain dribbling out of them.

Just remember, it's almost over.

Aella gets pinned to a tree by one Daemon, but she frees herself by placing her sword against the back of his neck and pulling it towards herself to decapitate him.

No. Just... No.

Meanwhile, inside the fortress, the other female Reaper freed herself and grabbed a sword, allowing her to fight the bodyguard.

Unfortunately he knows this little technique called aiming for where you don't have armour.

That was pointless.

Andre and Ganesh's fight bring them back into the courtyard with the prisoners just as Aella enters (Free of blood and for some reason not carrying a sword anymore, despite literally every Daemon she killed having carried one) and Ganesh knocks Andre to the ground. Noticing Aella nearby, Ganesh gives the order to kill the prisoners.

Hey, remember all of those flashbacks/visions/premonitions we had where the phrase 'Kill the prisoners' was repeated all the frigging time? Isn't it great to know that it all amounted to nothing, since nobody did anything to actually prevent it from happening?

This is a dumb movie and I hate it.

The bodyguard slits one woman's throat, prompting the now-roused Keith to run him through with a sword.

This gets him mad.

Well at least he's not killing the prisoners anymore.

Ganesh finally kills Andre, which upsets the blonde Reaper who'd apparently been banging him for years (It was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it scene). She stands up, walks over to a Daemon, easily disarms him and slices his head off.

Why the HIFL she didn't do this earlier when Keith was trying to untie them, I don't know.

Ganesh and Aella fight, with both stabbing the other in the stomach. Jawline notices and comes running over whilst they chat.

I say they chat, but neither of them move their lips. They seem to talk to each other entirely in voiceover mode.

It would be funny if it wasn't so stupid.

And then King Jawline cuts his head off.

Yeah, Jawline just straight up legs it across the battlefield and lops off the bad guys' head.

Nobody tries to stop him, this uber-powerful Daemon doesn't notice someone charging at him screaming at the top of his lungs, nothing.

Heck, the prophecy about all the other Reapers hasn't even been fulfilled yet, since both Keith and the blonde one are still alive.

Speaking of which, they both get killed.

We didn't even get to see who killed the blonde one. She just crawled on top of Andre and stopped moving.

At least Keith got to live long enough to know that they'd actually won.

Aella walks over to Endeara and Jawline, handing over the necklace he bought her, which Aella found on the ground. She tells him to go be King, then they walk off.

I guess Aella can get busy burying her friend's corpses.

In one final scene, Aella returns to visit her dying mother, who proclaims that Aella's legend has just begun.

And then the movie finally ends!

So, how to describe this movie?

A terrible mistake?

Painful to behold?

An insult to good films everywhere?

An insult to the poor fools who watched it?

All of the above and more?

There was nothing good about this movie. The action was bad, the plot was bad, the acting was passable at the very best of times.

The easiest way to describe it would be saying that they managed to squeeze 40 minutes of movie into 95 minutes of film.

And that's the nice version.

Next week, a classic that I've never seen.

I'm Spartacus!