Friday, 29 September 2017

The Princess Bride

This is my very favourite movie. So much so that I actually cosplayed as the main character last time I went to a convention.
And it also celebrated it's 30th anniversary this week.
So it's only fitting that I finally get around to talking about The Greatest Tale of True Love and High Adventure.
A fairy tale like no other, of fencing, fighting, torture, poison, true love, hate, revenge, giants, hunters, bad men, good men, beautifulest ladies, snakes, spiders, beasts, chases, escapes, lies, truths, passion and miracles.
And yes, that quote was from the back of the book.
So, let's have a watch and see if I can work out just why this movie became such a cult classic.
The movie begins with the boy who met world feeling sick and staying home from school.
This is what Hollywood thinks a typical boy's room look like.
His grandfather shows up to read him a story, which the boy is pretty ungrateful for. But the grandfather tells him that it's a family tradition that this book be read during illness and that it's a very exciting story, featuring all of stuff I mentioned in the first caption.
Do you think it was this movie which persuaded people to try and bring back fedoras?
The grandfather begins reading the story, which starts with a young girl named Buttercup. She lives on a farm and her hobbies include horse-riding and bossing around the help.
Fifty Shades of Grey has ruined lip-biting for me, forever.
The help in this case is a young man named Westley, whom she only ever referred to as 'Farm boy'. The only thing Westley ever said in reply to her demands was 'As You Wish'. It took Buttercup a long time before she realised that when he said 'As You Wish' what he actually meant was 'I Love You'.
Because just outright saying it would be too easy.
The boy interrupts, annoyed that this book seems to be all about romance and kissing.
The grandfather urges him to be patient and he continues.
Since Westley was poor, he gathered his belongings and set out to sea to make his fortune.
Buttercup worries that something might happen to Westley but he reassures her that since their love is pure, he will always come for her.
Then his ship gets attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never leaves any survivors.
"Called it."
After a timeskip of five years, the main square of Florin City is busy with civilians excited to hear the announcement of Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be.
And yes, we are supposed to take someone named Humperdinck seriously.
This guy, in the middle.
Prince Humperdinck makes a speech to the crowd about how he will marry a woman who was once common, just like them.
(BTW, the way he says the word 'common' is very interesting, as though he can't stand the concept of the word.)
The fiancee is of course Buttercup, who has been given the title of Princess purely to make the movie title accurate.
The original book by S. Morgenstern was apparently a satire on the fashions of nobility.
The people apparently adore Buttercup, but she doesn't much care if they do or not. Since Westley's death she hasn't cared about anything, finding joy in nothing but her horse-riding.
One day, whilst out riding, she comes across three unusual individuals.
These kidnappers come in a range of sizes, including small, medium and large options.
The giant gently knocks Buttercup unconscious with what looks like a Vulcan neck pinch. The small one attaches a torn piece of uniform to the horse then sends it back on its' way. He explains that the uniform is from a Guilder soldier, to place suspicion for her kidnapping (And eventual murder) upon them.
Apparently Guilder and Florin are rival nations who have warred many times in the past. A state of affairs the small kidnapper has been hired to reinstate.
Neither of the others like the idea of killing Buttercup, but the small one, Vizzini, insists that they both owe him for rescuing them from their terrible situations.
Though considering how Vizzini treats them it can't be that much of an improvement.
Despite both the giant, Fezzik, and the medium man, Inigo, disagreeing with the concept they both agree to go along with it.
Though they do take the opportunity to annoy Vizzini by playing a rhyming game with each other.
The man on the left was played by Andre the Giant, who wrestled Hulk Hogan.
The man on the right was played by Mandy Patinkin, who spends his time these days helping refugees from warzones.
He's also one of the few men willing to slap Andre across the face to help him get his lines right.
That night Vizzini's in a good mood due to them making great time. Buttercup, having woken up, tells him that he will be caught, but Vizzini thinks the concept to be inconceivable.
Though he is slightly confused somewhat when Inigo mentions a ship that seems to be following them.
Probably not important.
Whilst they're distracted by the boat, Buttercup dives overboard and starts swimming away.
Unfortunately neither Vizzini nor Inigo can swim, and Fezzik can only dog-paddle.
It's especially unfortunate, since this particular sea is home to creatures known as 'Shreaking eels' which, unlike most sea creatures, enjoy the taste of human flesh.
They're also freaking huge.
 It's here that we're brought back to the boy's bedroom, since the grandfather informs him that Buttercup doesn't get eaten.
Err, Spoiler warning, I guess?
Fezzik saves Buttercup by whacking the eel on the head just as it charges, then lifts her aboard with one hand.
The next morning they reach a sheer cliff-face, although the boat behind them is now worryingly close. Vizzini is still confident that it won't catch them though, since only a giant such as Fezzik could scale the Cliffs of Insanity.
In case you're wondering yes, this is a real place.
Many films have been filmed here, including Harry Potter, but I recognise them from the Dawn of the Dragonslayer movies that I reviewed before.
Anyway, Fezzik straps on a special harness which allows him to carry everybody at once and starts climbing a rope that Vizzini had placed there a few days before.
Why they expect it to be two difficult to climb this rope I have no idea. I'm pretty wimpish, but even I could do it.
Fezzik clambers upwards, using only the power of his arms. He makes great time, but the mystery individual from the boat keeps gaining on them.
Okay, without knots on it I would struggle, but I think I would manage.
Once they reach the top Vizzini begins cutting the rope, barely allowing time for the others to reach safety. Once he cuts through the rope slides off of the cliff and Vizzini smiles to himself, content that the man in black has plunged to his doom.
"Inconceivable."
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Vizzini decides that he and Fezzik should go on ahead, instructing Inigo to kill the man in black should he reach the top.
Inigo agrees, but decides to duel left-handed, since if he used his right it would be over too quickly.
Inigo practices with a few swishes of his sword, but he starts to get impatient. So he goes to the cliff edge and asks the man in black how long he thinks it will take.
At this rate, quite a while.
Inigo expresses disappointment and offers to throw the remaining rope down. But since he's only doing so so that he can kill him quicker, he's not sure if the man in black will trust him.
Inigo tries a few ways to persuade the man to trust him, but it isn't until he swears on his father's name that it works.
So, the man in black climbs up and prepares to fight to the death, but Inigo instead offers him a seat and a chance to catch his breath.
Which he happily takes.
Inigo asks if the man has six fingers on his right hand, which, as you can see, he does not. Inigo explains that his father, Domingo Montoya, was slaughtered by such a man.
His father was an exceptional swordsmith who was approached to make a sword suitable for a man with an extra finger. He slaved for a year to make the perfect weapon.
After it was made the six-fingered man returned, but offered only a tenth of the original amount.
Domingo refused, and was killed without a word.
Angered by this, a young Inigo grabbed up the sword and challenged the man to a duel. A duel he lost. But instead of killing the child, the man allowed him to live, though not without a couple of scars to remember him by.
To recap: He murdered a man and scarred a child, over a sword he didn't even keep.
Inigo then dedicated his life to learning swordfighting. This way, when he next meets the six-fingered man he can go up to him and say;
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
And thus, one of the greatest and most enduring quotes from all of cinema was created.
With their chit-chat out of the way, Inigo and the man in black both draw their swords and prepare to fight.
Both with their left hands. Take note of that.
In all honesty, words cannot do this duel justice. This sword fight is considered one of the greatest of cinema. It ranges across the battelfield, with acrobatic leaps and fancy flourishes, whilst keeping in mind how actual fencers fight.
The best part? Both actors trained for months to learn the moves, using stunt doubles only for the acrobatic portions.
The fight eventually starts to favour the man in black, who forces Inigo to the cliff edge. But that's when Inigo smiles and reveals the truth about himself.
"I am not left-handed."
With his sword in his dominant hand Inigo starts to gain the advantage. he pushes the man in black backwards until he forced against a wall.
But then, that's when the man in black reveals something about himself.
"I'm not left-handed either."
The man in black throws his sword to his right hand and disarms Inigo with a flourish.
Inigo, stunned by this, rushes to pick it up, only for the man in black to swing around like a gymnast.
Which leads to one of my favourite sections of dialogue.
"Who are you?"
"No-one of any consequence."
"I must know."
"Get used to disappointment."
Eventually the man in black manages to disarm Inigo completely. The realisation of being bested causes Inigo to sink to his knees, ready to accept his death.
The man in black gladly refuses.
With a thump around the back of the head, Inigo is knocked unconscious.
A little while later Vizzini is angered as he sees the man in black is still tracking them. He instructs Fezzik to hide and ambush him, smashing his head open with a rock, which is something Fezzik thinks to be rather unsportmanlike.
So he misses.
Fezzik exlains to the man in black that he doesn't have to miss with the next rock, but he'd rather fight in a much fairer manner.
Namely, he puts down his rock and the man puts down his sword.
Which does still seem to give the advantage to Fezzik.
"Not my fault I'm the biggest and strongest. I don't even exercise."
So they start fighting, with the man in black very quickly realising that nothing he can do makes Fezzik so much as flinch.
Whilst they scuffle Fezzik asks him why he wears a mask, to which the man replies that it's just terribly comfortable.
And as someone who has cosplayed as him, I can more than attest to the truth of his statement.
After a while the man in black leaps onto Fezzik's back and starts choking him unconscious, being careful not to inflict any permanent damage.
I like when my heroes are concerned about the health of their foes.
Meanwhile, back at the ruins atop the cliffs, Prince Humperdinck is tracking the events that have occurred. He correctly surmises where the loser went, as well as the winner, who followed other footprints towards Guilder.
His friend on the horse is named Count Rugen.
He leads his men to follow the trail towards the Princess, noting that he fully expects it to be a trap.
Speaking of the Princess, the man in black finally catches up to her and Vizzini, who has prepared a nice picnic for them to chat around.
With a hostage, naturally.
They talk a little, but neither is willing to concede the Princess to the other, which puts them at an impasse. So the man in black appeals to Vizzini's ego.
He challenges Vizzini to a battle of wits, to the death.
He retrieves a small vial from his pocket which contains a substance called Iocane powder (Which isn't a real thing), a colourless and odourless poison which kills almost instantly.
It also apparently dissolves instantly in liquid.
Wait, where was Vizzini carrying that food?
The man in black takes the goblets and hides them behind himself whilst he pours the powder. He then places them on the boulder and explains the rules.
Quite simply, Vizzini will choose who drinks out of which goblet and then one of them will be dead.
And Vizzini happily plays along.
Vizzini spends a few minutes explaining various reasons why the poison would be in either cup, the man in black keeping a perfect poker face the entire time.
Eventually Vizzini makes his decision, but gets distracted by something behind the man in black.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
Whilst his back's turned, Vizzini swaps the two goblets around. When he turns back, Vizzini happily exclaims that he's made his decision.
He will drink out of his cup and the man in black will drink out of his own.
They both drink at the same time and Vizzini starts cackling with glee. He happily exclaims that the man in black fell for one of the classic blunders, never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Then he keels over, stone dead.
The man in black undoes Buttercup's bindings and she expresses shock, since he would have had to have known that Vizzini would pull such a trick.
The man in black explains that it wouldn't have mattered either way, since he poisoned both goblets. He's spent the last few years building an immunity to Iocane powder.
Meanwhile, Prince Humperdinck is getting closer.
A little later the man in black and Buttercup stop to rest. Buttercup tells him that Humperdinck is the greatest tracker alive, able to follow an falcon on a cloudy day. But the man refuses to release her, belittling her as he does so.
He refers to Humperdinck as her true love, a concept she shoots down immediately.
"Well, enough of that scene, let's go elsewhere."
Meanwhile once again, Humperdinck finds the picnic and the corpse of Vizzini, as well as the empty vial.
Which he can apparently identify as Iocane via smell alone.
They follow the tracks once more.
Back with Buttercup and the man in black, who've stopped once again.
"There, isn't this location a much better one for this scene?"
Buttercup reveals that she knows who the man is.
He is the Dread Pirate Roberts himself, the man who killed Westley.
Roberts mocks her, which she gets angry about, and he once again responds with a wonderful quote.
"Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something."
Roberts mentions that he remembers Westley, vaguely at least. He apparently said "Please. Please, I need to live."
He was told of Westley's true love, who was faithfully waiting for his return. And here the Dread Pirate Roberts finds her engaged to a Prince.
"I died that day."
Buttercup's anger gets the better of her and, upon seeing Humperdinck approaching in the distance, she pushes Roberts off the cliff, ordering him to die.
To which he replies "As you wish."
More precisely he yells "Aaaaassss (Ow) yoooooouuuuu (Ow) wiiiiii-(Ow)-ssssshhhhh (Ow)."
Realising that she just pushed Westley down a very steep hill, Buttercup chases after him.
Although 'Chase' may not be the most accurate word.
Once at the bottom of the hill the two embrace and start kissing, but the boy doesn't want to hear about it, so the grandfather skips this part of the story.
Curse you child!
So the grandfather skips ahead to the Fire Swamp, where they've ducked into to avoid Humperdinck.
"We'll never survive."
"Nonsense. You're only saying that because nobody ever has."
Once safely inside the Fire Swamp Westley explains what happened to him on the high seas. It's true that his ship was boarded by the Dread Pirate Roberts, but it's not true that he never leaves survivors. That's merely a rumour he circulated to persuade people to surrender.
But he wasn't the real Dread Pirate Roberts. He in fact inherited the name from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts. The name was passed on to help the legend continue, and probably to keep people from coming after the original for revenge.
And so, when the previous one retired, he gave the name to Westley, training him to become the best.
Of course, all of that would mean nothing if they could not escape the Fire Swamp.
What a charming locale.
They walk through the swamp until they hear a loud popping noise, which is followed by a geyser of flame setting Buttercup's dress on fire.
Westley calmly puts out the fire, before continuing on, with Buttercup falling straight into their next obstacle.
Literally.
Westley grabs a nearby vine and dives into the quicksand. Whilst he'sin there a very, very large rodent walks past. But then Westley and Buttercup clamber out and brush themselves off, before continuing on.
This does cause Buttercup to have a crisis of faith. Westley reassures her, noting that they now know how to avoid two of the three dangers and that he doesn't think the third danger even exists.
The third danger being rodents of unusual size, which attack him immediately.
He's going to need a whole bucket of hand sanitiser after this.
It should be noted that Westley fights the thing off completely by himself, with no help from Buttercup, who just stands around uselessly.
That's not entirely true, at one point she picks up a stick and starts prodding at it, which causes her to lose her balance and need rescuing.
A lot of people may forget that this movie's a satire and was mocking the kind of stories involving swashbucklers and damsels-in-distress. The only thing they can think of to mention about each other is their beauty. Westley's entire life is devoted to doing anything Buttercup wants.
And yet, the actors play it with such an earnest sincerity that we can't help but get caught up in it.
Even if her biggest contribution to the movie was to fall over.
Westley uses the fire geyser to finish off the rodent and they successfully manage to leave the Fire Swamp.
Only to walk directly into an ambush set up by Humperdinck and his men.
We'd almost forgotten about these guys.
Westley refuses to surrender, but Humperdinck has them surrounded with crossbowmen. Buttercup steps forward, offering herself as his bride as long as Westley is allowed to go free. Humperdinck accepts and she's taken captive.
After she's left Count Rugen rides up to Westley and offers to take him to his ship, which Westley accurately remarks is a lie.
Count Rugen is not angered by this, but he is angered when Westley comments on how many fingers he has on his right hand.
If you look very closely at the shot of him at the ruins, you can just about make out the six fingers.
Count Rugen knocks him out and when he wakes up, he's strapped to a table and being tended to by an albino.
Pictured: An albino.
The albino mentions that he's going to be tortured and sure, he's very tough and brave and heroic and all that, but nobody survives 'The machine'.
Meanwhile, Buttercup is wandering the castle even more morose than before. Humperdinck just says that it's his father's ailing health that's upsetting her.
The grandfather's narration returns and mentions that the King died that night and the marriage went ahead with no trouble whatsoever.
As if channelling the audience, the boy cuts in with "Wait, what?"
The boy argues that there's no way Buttercup could marry Humperdinck, but the grandfather points out that life isn't fair. He continues the story, picking up with Queen Buttercup meeting her subjects once more.
Only this time, one of the members of the crowd stands up and boos her, yelling at her that she had true love and she threw it away.
This character was credited as 'Old Booer', which is something I'm adding to my bucket list.
Princess Buttercup wakes up from her nightmare with ten days to go until the wedding.
So you see kids, if an old person reads you a story and something bad happens, keep your yap shut, they know what they're doing.
The nightmare persuades Buttercup to at least attempt to find Westley. She goes to Humperdinck and tells her how she feels.
Humperdinck takes a moment, then decides to do as she requests. He asks her to write a letter for Westley, which he sends out on a ship heading in each cardinal direction.
However, if he doesn't reply then she is to marry Humperdinck, as an alternative to suicide.
If there's one lesson that great romances have taught me, it's that if you can't get what you want, threaten to commit suicide.
Hey, it worked for Romeo And Juliet.
...
Wait.
Later, Humperdinck and Rugen are walking through a forest when Rugen mentions Buttercup. Humperdinck concurs that she's rather likeable, which is fortunate because it meant the people became quite attached to her.
He then goes on to mention how smart he thought he was when he hired Vizzini to murder her and frame Guilder, but now he's quite looking forward to strangely her himself.
If it hadn't been for the mentioning of torture (And Inigo's whole backstory) we might have been fooled into thinking that these two were actually good guys.
Count Rugen opens a secret entrance in one of the trees, mentioning that he's going to start Westley on 'The machine' tonight, but Humperdinck laments how busy he is and that he won't be able to watch the torture session.
Speaking of, Rugen attaches several suction cups to various parts of Westley's body.
He mentions that he's writing a thesis on pain, which is something he's always been most interested in, especially inflicting it.
"So, tell me, how do you feel? And remember, this is for posterity, so please, be honest."
*Childlike blubbering*
"Interesting."
Meanwhile, Humperdinck has a meeting with Gillian, his chief enforcer. He tells Gillian that his sources inform him that assassins have infiltrated the Thieve's Forest as part of a plot to murder Buttercup on her wedding night. Whilst Gillian's spies have reported no such thing, he readily follows Humperdinck's orders and arranges a brute squad to empty the forest.
In the book it's mentioned that Gillian and the albino are cousins. Humperdinck is incredibly close to trusting Gillian with his actual secrets.
On the day of the wedding the brute squad was having trouble clearing out the Thieve's Forest, especially with one exceptionally drunk Spaniard, who refuses to be moved.
This Spaniard is of course Inigo.
Inigo Montoya and Tony Stark have a lot in common.
The brute squad comes to remove him, but luckily one of the brute squad's members is in fact a certain giant that we've come to know.
One with exceptionally large hands.
After knocking out the other brute squad member, Fezzik helps sober Inigo up. He also informs him of Vizzini's death and of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man who works for Humperdinck.
This causes Inigo to faint (Partially from shock, mostly from alcohol), so Fezzik takes great care in helping him.
Well, the grandfather describes it as 'Great care'.
Inigo asks for details about Rugen, but the castle is too heavily guarded for them to storm. Without Vizzini they have no-one to come up with a plan of attack.
But since Vizzini's dead, Inigo figures that maybe the man who bested him could aid them in their plight. So, they go off in search of him.
Meanwhile, Gillian gives a successful report to Humperdinck about the Thieve's Forest being emptied. Humperdinck orders that the guard on the castle gate be doubled, even though Gillian is the only man with a key.
This key.
Just then Buttercup comes in and Humperdinck makes a big display of doting on her, mentioning that the next morning every ship in his armada is waiting to escort them on their honeymoon.
"Every ship but your four fastest you mean?"
Humperdinck completely forgot about his lie of sending ships out to find Westley, but Buttercup says it doesn't matter, since Westley will come for her anyway.
She then goes on to call him a coward, which gets him particularly angry. Turns out that it's quite the sore spot, since he locks her in her room, then goes to the torture chamber and turns 'The machine' all the way to the top.
For context, Count Rugen was unwilling to go to 5 for fear of killing Westley too quickly.
Rugen at first tries to stop him, but becomes distracted by Westley's primal scream of sheer agony.
The scream's so loud that Fezzik and Inigo can hear it from miles away.
Fezzik and Inigo follow the tortured scream until they find the albino pushing a wheelbarrow.
They gently ask him for some help.
Fezzik 'jogs' his memory.
Fezzik accidentally jogs him too hard, causing him to collapse in a heap.
With no way of knowing where the entrance is, Inigo prays to his father's soul for guidance, but that comes up empty as well.
Completely out of options, Inigo slumps against a tree in despair.
Yeah, that secret entrance was really well hidden.
Naturally Inigo slumps against the tree that houses the secret door and it swings open, allowing them to descend into the torture chamber and find Westley.
Or his corpse, anyway, since he's dead.
Well, darn. That puts a damper on things.
The boy complains to his grandfather that he must have read it wrong, since there's no way for Westley to be dead. The grandfather assures him that he's reading it right, but the boy complains again about it. He asks who kills Humperdinck, but the grandfather reveals that Humperdinck survives. Nobody kills him.
Err, Spoiler warning? Again?
The grandfather starts reading again, and Inigo decides that he's not giving up this easily. He and Fezzik carry the body in search of a miracle, specifically one in the form of Miracle Max, the local miracle man.
In this movie filled with absurdly memorable characters, Miracle Max may just be the single most absurdly memorable.
Inigo asks Max if he's the same Miracle Max who used to work for the King, but Max gets grumpy about the subject, since Humperdinck fired him. Inigo is insistent, but Max points out that he was fired, so he might kill whomever they want him to miracle.
Fortunately, Westley's already dead, so that's out of the question.
"I've seen worse."
I should note that this is where the movie strays away from any pretence of seriousness and just starts making fun of itself, and most likely you for staying invested in this madness.
Max asks why they want to bring him back to life and Inigo tells him some absurd lie about him having seven children and a struggling wife.
Max sees straight through it, so Inigo tells him the truth, but Max just tells him that his first lie was better.
Luckily, since Westley is only mostly dead, he can just ask him.
Although, since he is mostly dead, he does need some assistance.
When they push down on his chest, Westley mutters the words 'True love', which Max agrees would be the most worthy cause in the world. But he instead argues that Westley said 'To blave', and tries to wiggle out of performing the miracle.
And that's when Valerie interrupts, calling him a liar.
Who's Valerie? His wife.
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife."
Valerie comes out and chastises Max, telling everyone that ever since Humperdinck fired him he's had a crisis of confidence about his miracles.
Max takes umbridge at the use of the prince's name. This causes Inigo to point out that Westley's true love is in fact Buttercup and, if the miracle is pulled off, Humperdinck will suffer 'Humiliations galore'.
Max and Valerie happily put together a miracle for them, with a chocolate coating to help it go down easier.
And with how big that pill is, it'll need all the help it'll get.
A little bit later they clamber up the castle wall and get a good look at the 60 guards standing around the gate. Inigo has no worries though, since with Westley they will surely be successful. So they feed him the pill and wait for him to wake up.
However, just like me in the mornings, he starts waking up bit by bit, rather than all at once.
Luckily for him, his head wakes up first. Imagine if it was a leg, or just his fingers.
Inigo explains what's going on and how little time they've got. Westley despairs at this, since if he had a month to plan he might come up with something, but with less than half an hour he has no chance.
He also laments their lack of equipment, mentioning that even a wheelbarrow would be something.
Which is fortunate, since they left the albino's wheelbarrow underneath the albino.
Oh, and Fezzik just so happens to have a holocaust cloak. No biggy.
That night, the three finish their preparations.
Meanwhile, Humperdinck and Buttercup are getting married, with a mightily impressive clergyman.
No, that's what he's credited as. The 'Impressive Clergyman'. Presumably the most impressive thing about him is his speech impediment. But since it's one I happen to share with him, I shall relent from describing it. Suffice to say, if you've seen the movie then you'll know what I'm talking about.
Oh all right then.
"Mawwiage."
As the wedding gets underway they hear a commotion from outside, which just so happens to be the assault that Westley has planned.
So, let's have a look at what's going on.
It's a cloaked giant who's on fire and claiming to be the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Yeah, pretty chilling, especially for country bumpkins such as these.
All of the guards run away except for Gillian, who bravely pretends to not know where the key for the gate is.
At least, until Inigo order Fezzik to rip his arm off. Then all of a sudden he remembers where the key is.
"Oh, you mean this gate key?"
Once inside Count Rugen and four guards come across the trio, but Inigo slaughters the guards with ease.
Inigo stares directly at Count Rugen and he says his famous lines.
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
And so, what's Count Rugen's response to this sight?
He flees, like the abject coward we all knew he was.
Inigo chases after him, but is stymied by a locked door. Fezzik rests Westley against a suit of armour and unlocks the door for him.
Who needs to invest skills in 'Open Lock'?
When Fezzik returns to where he left Westley, he finds him to no longer be there.
But meanwhile, Inigo is still chasing Rugen, and he catches up.
He then also catches a knife in the gut.
Well, ain't that a kick in the gut?
Or knife, as the case may be.
Count Rugen recognises Inigo and takes great joy in tormenting him as he bleeds out.
Meanwhile, Buttercup reaches the honeymoon suite and grabs a dagger, fully preparing to plunge it into her chest. Luckily, a voice calls out from behind her in praise of her boobs, which makes her stop.
Well, if you're lying on a bed like that you're allowed to think crass thoughts.
Back downstairs, Inigo pulls the dagger out of his abdomen and stuffs his left hand in there, to prevent himself from bleeding out. He uses the wall to push himself to his feet and tries to stagger towards Rugen.
So Rugen pulls out his own sword, but Inigo deflects the blows into his shoulder, preventing a deathblow.
I mean, it probably still hurt though.
Rugen swipes again but Inigo deflects it and stands fully. He begins chanting his mantra as Rugen backs up, unable to land another hit on him.
Now this? This is the kind of final battle I like to see in my movies.
Rugen keeps swiping in frustration but is pushed back by Inigo, who keeps saying his phrase over and over again. Eventually Rugen yells at him to stop saying it, but Inigo stabs him in the shoulder and arm before slashing him across the face.
"Offer me money."
"Power too, promise me that."
"All that I have and more. Please"
"Offer me everything I ask for."
"Anything you want."
"I want my father back you son of a bitch."
If you're going to do a revenge story, this is how you do it. No matter what happens you have to keep your revenge-seeker likeable. You also have to be careful and make sure he stays on this side of the line. Inigo's friendship with Fezzik, his dislike of Vizzini's plans and his honourable actions towards Westley ensure that, even though his singular goal in life is murder, we maintain sympathy for him.
And speaking of Westley, Humperdinck has finally arrived at the honeymoon suite.
Hasn't he heard of knocking? So impolite.
Humperdinck draws his sword and prepares to duel Westley to the death but Westley stops him, exclaiming that they shall instead duel 'To the pain'.
Errrr.... What?
Humperdinck expresses confusion about what he means and Westley obliges. 'To the pain' means that he will cut Humperdinck into pieces. He'll cut off his eyes, his nose, both hands and both feet. He'll carve out his tongue and leave him in agony. But he'll let him keep his ears, so that he can hear every scream of every child that looks upon him.
To be honest, I can't give the speech justice. The way Cary Elwes says it makes it all the more chilling.
And he keeps this expression the entire time.
Humperdinck is visibly shaken by what Westley has just threatened to do to him, but he tries to stand his ground and accuses Westley of bluffing.
And that's when Westley stands up and raises his sword.
"Now. Drop. Your. Sword."
Humperdinck throws his sword to the ground and sits on a nearby chair, which Buttercup ties him to (Yay, she actually did something worthwhile).
Inigo shows up and offers to kill Humperdinck, but Westley lets him go, saying that his cowardice is punishment enough.
So, does Inigo not need medical attention or something?
Fezzik calls out from outside, where he's found four white horses. He thought they might come in handy for their escape, since there would be four of them.
In the book, these horses were an important plot point.
Everybody jumps out of the window and Fezzik catches them. As they ride off into the night, Inigo expresses sadness. Now that he's had his revenge, he has no idea what he's going to do with his life. Westley asks if he's ever considered piracy, since he'd make a brilliant Dread Pirate Roberts.
All that's left to wrap up are the boy and his grandfather. The boy says that the book was pretty good, overall, even if there was a bit more kissing than he would have normally liked.
Although he didn't mind the one at the end so much.
The boy asks if his grandfather could come and read the book again to him sometime, maybe the next time he's sick.
And the grandfather replies with a simple, short phrase.
"As you wish."
This movie was absolutely amazing. It was funny, exciting and inventive. Whilst the love story aspect was pretty dull, it's still simple enough and sweet enough that you genuinely want them to be happy.
And I can't forget the music, expecially during the final fight scene between Inigo and Rugen.

And so, as I mentioned at the beginning, I have cosplayed as the Dread Pirate Roberts myself in the past.
Y'know what? I'm feeling generous, so why don't I share a picture of me in my costume with all of you guys? Since you've all been so patient with me and my inability to upload at a consistent pace.
The mask was incredibly comfortable.

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