I do not understand America's obsession with Batman.
Is it symbolic enough? |
The guy is practically the definition of boring invincible hero. He knows every martial arts, is an expert in biochemistry, world's greatest detective, best weapons designer and can hack literally any computer system.
Also, his bat-belt has a bat-gadget for every bat-situation.
Don't get me wrong though, I do enjoy some Batman stories. The Justice League cartoon did a great job balancing him against the super-powered heroes. And the 'The Batman' cartoon was simply amazing.
Especially when Batgirl showed up |
But at his core, Batman is rather silly. He's a guy who uses his billions of dollars to dress up as a bat and scare petty criminals.
It can work, but it has to be handled carefully.
This movie does not do that.
It opens with some very subtle symbolism.
Is it symbolic enough? |
Then we're straight into a scene of two kids playing. While the violinist apparently has a heart attack. Seriously, he's strumming that thing as though a tidal wave is about to hit.
It's the kind of music that builds and builds, but it's completely misplaced here. All that happens is that young Bruce falls down a well.
This is the last time his parents let him watch Lassie. |
As he lays injured at the bottom of the well a flock of bats screams past him, scaring him.
Because he's destined to be Batman, so every moment of his childhood has to have involved bats somehow.
Because that hasn't been done to death.
Bruce wakes up from the flashback and we find out that he's in prison somewhere.
He got imprisoned in Coalhouse Fort. They made him part of the tour. |
Fun fact, this was shot in Coalhouse Fort, which is right down the road from where I live.
Anywho, some big guy comes up to Bruce and starts threatening him. Bruce says something genuinely badass and beats him up, only to be set upon by more crooks.
Who he then beats up.
Whilst covered in mud, so that we can't tell who's who. |
He drags dragged away to solitary where he meets Liam Neeson's character.
This guy |
He says that his name is Ducat and that he speaks on behalf of Ra's Al Ghul.
I don't know much about the Batman comics (Nor much of DC really, I'm more of a Marvel guy) but I do know that you don't hire Liam Neeson to play 'merely Ducat'.
Normally I'd put up a Spoiler warning, but it's kinda obvious that Liam is really Ra's.
But since Spoiler's awesome, have a pic anyway |
He basically berates Bruce and offers to let him into his buddy club if he can climb a mountain whilst carrying a rare blue flower.
So Bruce leaves the prison and finds the rare blue flower, then climbs the mountain.
Along the way he bumped into a a Princess, and ice farmer and a reindeer. The reindeer tasted delicious. |
Once inside he meets Ra's Al Ghul, who's basically Shang Tsung, only without speaking English.
Or the proper understanding of how to use a razor. |
Liam shows up again and tells Bruce that training begins immediately. Bruce points out that he just climbed a frigging mountain, so Liam kicks him in the chest.
Well, he does have a beard and he is an idiot, but he's no Leonidas. |
Bruce and Liam fight for a bit, with Liam calling out which styles Bruce is using.
"Tiger. Jiu-jitsu. Panther."
'Panther' is not a real martial arts style, just so you know.
After kicking Bruce's arse, Liam gives him back the flower. Then Bruce falls asleep, straight into another flashback.
Every time he closes his eyes, we get another flashback. |
This is going to be one of those movies where we get so many flashbacks that we can't tell when any particular scene fits into the timeline, isn't it?
During the flashback Bruce gets rescued from the well by his father, who os course gives him some advice that won't be pivotal later.
Surely you'd get the help to do the heavy lifting? |
Is there some unwritten rule that every father-figure who dies during an origin story must be morally perfect?
Uncle Ben, Jor-El, Howard Stark, Ben Kingsley. The list goes on.
A while later and the Wayne's go to the opera. They go by the new train that Mr. Wayne had built in order to help the city. He goes on and on about helping those less fortunate to the point where I'm sick of it and just want him to die already.
He can't be morally perfect, he made his kid dress up like that |
Naturally, every last item in this flashback crops up again during the movie. The train, the bats, heck even the arrowhead his childhood friend found. I've heard of Chekhov's Gun but this is more like "Chekhov, This Is Your Life!"
So we get to the Opera and what happens? Bats. Bats everywhere.
GET IT? IT'S SYMBOLIC OF THE FACT THAT HE'S BATMAN! |
Seriously? They're shoehorning bats into the opera now? I preferred it when it was Zorro.
Actually, I just prefer Zorro.
Bruce starts to have a panic attack because he has a phobia of bats, which is fair enough I suppose. I've got an embarrassing phobia of my own. But instead of calming Bruce down and teaching him to face his fears, they sneak out through the back entrance so that they can get killed.
This way, Bruce gets to blame himself.
Because blaming the murderer would be less angsty |
Joe Chill shoots the Wayne parents and runs off, leaving young Bruce to watch his father slowly die in his arms.
Any other movie would take this opportunity to show off the actor's skill. Death scenes are notorious for being Oscar bait after all.
Not this one.
"Oh my, I appear to have been fatally shot. What an mild inconvenience." |
The flashback doesn't end there though, the director felt we needed to see the followup police investigation. Officer Gordon comforts Bruce (because there are no other cops in Gotham) until the police chief comes in and says that they got him.
If I recall, wasn't it the fact that Joe Chill escaped and was never even identified the main factor in Bruce becoming and investigator? Thus leading to him becoming the world's greatest detective? Are we just going to gloss over that?
Apparently we are.
So then there's some more flashback which serves no purpose whatsoever, except to set up who's going to look after the company while Bruce is still too young.
Yeah, it was so boring I forgot about this scene too.
Although Micheal Caine's performance as Alfred comforting Bruce is rather good.
But he's Micheal Caine, so we expect that |
We come out of the flashback to a training montage as Bruce learns to become a ninja. Naturally Chekhov's Gun is in full force again. The bat-gauntlets make an early appearance being used to block blades during a fight in which Liam beats Bruce with a lesson about minding your surroundings.
Because every moment on-screen must come back later |
More importantly however, we're introduced to a farmer who wanted his neighbour's land and murdered over it.
Enough training though, let's go into another flashback.
This time Bruce is about 23, but it's never explicitly mentioned. he's returning from education, where he naturally excelled because he's Batman and therefor best at everything. There's a parole hearing for Joe Chill coming up which Bruce will be attending.
It's pretty slow and sad, which actually works pretty well, especially when Alfred is talking to Bruce about the importance of Bruce's future, but that's mostly due to Micheal caine's acting rather than the dialogue.
Then, while Bruce is staring at his father's stethoscope, we enter a flashback.
Wait, what?
"Yo dawg, I heard you like flashbacks." |
Fortunately it's just a moment, but it's kinda jarring.
His childhood friend Rachel comes to drive him to the hearing (Maybe Alfred was resitting his driving test or something?) and she grew up nicely.
I know this doesn't affect the quality of the movie, but she is really pretty. |
They talk in exposition about how Joe spent years in prison and learned info about a mob boss which he used to cut himself a deal. Both characters should already know this, but since it's the first time they've seen each other in years, it actually kinda works.
When they get to the hearing Joe talks about his regret over the killings and for some bizarre reason the judge asks if Bruce wants to say anything.
Yeah, because judges often ask the witnesses their opinions of whether crooks should go free.
Corrupt or incompetent? Place your bets now. |
Instead of saying anything Bruce just ups and leaves. As Joe is walking out of the hearing as a free man Bruce prepares to murder him with the loaded gun he found earlier.
But before he can kill Joe, someone else beats him to the punch.
What, no words of wisdom after getting shot? Slacker. |
Rachel drags Bruce away and he admits that he was going to shoot Joe himself. Rachel slaps Bruce. Repeatedly. I don't know how many times because I kept rewinding and watching it again.
You see, this is why we don't see this period in Bruce's life that often. It ruins the mystery behind his character, especially if it's all dumped on us at once.
Also, it makes him look like a jerk.
Rachel rants to Bruce about just how corrupt Gotham is and that Falconi (The mob boss) is essentially untouchable. Bruce wanders off and throws away the gun in a fit of rage whilst the violinist downs a gallon of Red Bull.
It really grates after a while.
Anyway, Bruce then decides to go and confront Falconi about being a mob boss.
Because he's a moron.
"As a cliche mob boss, even I find this stupid." |
Falconi explains that just because he's rich doesn't mean Bruce has any power. He points out some senators, cops and judges that are in his pocket, including the judge from earlier.
He then has Bruce beat up and thrown out.
hen you're describing what happens in these scenes they seem really short, but they're really not. Or at least, they certainly don't feel short.
Outside Bruce buys an old hobo's coat and disappears, finally catching up to where he was at the beginning of the movie.
To exist the flashback, just click your heels three times. |
Back in the present day Bruce is given his final ninja test, which involves getting high.
Everyone should understand the dangers of Olbas Oil abuse |
While Liam goes on at length about the meaning of fear, more ninjas appear and stand in rows. Liam uses them as cover to attack Bruce when he's not expecting it. despite the drugs Bruce manages to block continuously until he gets a small cut on his arm. Using his brain he cuts another ninja in the same manner and hides, turning the tables and ambushing Liam.
Bruce finally grew a brain, no wonder Liam's so happy |
Ra's witnessed the whole thing and congratulates Bruce on passing. Bruce and Liam stand before Ra's as he administers the real final test. Is Bruce willing to kill for justice? The murderer from earlier is brought forward and Bruce is handed a sword. Bruce argues for a bit about what justice is.
Also, they talk about destroying Gotham because it's corrupt.
Bruce takes the sword from Liam and prepares himself.
"FINISH HIM!" |
Instead of killing the guy though, Bruce flips a hot brand into the ninja's gunpowder stores, setting off a series of explosions. Ra's gets hit by some falling debris and dies.
Bruce of course shows no emotion about the fact that he literally just killed someone.
Instead he picks up Liam and flees whilst lots of people get blown up.
Bruce won't kill a murderer because he refuses to take a human life.
Ninjas though? Meh. Everybody knows ninjas don't count.
Oh, and we never see the prisoner alive again.
But considering that trained ninjas were failing to escape the explosions?
I'm sure he made it out |
Bruce makes sure to get Liam to safety before he returns to Gotham.
As he flies to Gotham he chats to Alfred. Turns out that Alfred had Bruce legally declared dead since he's been missing for 7 years, but don't worry, Bruce left all of his shares to Alfred.
So theoretically, Alfred's rich and Bruce's poor?
But anyway, Bruce tells Alfred that he plans to fight crime. He'll become a symbol to strike fear into the hearts of criminals.
About dang time.
Back to Gotham at last.
It's like New York, only with more crime. So just like New York. |
Rachel is in court arguing that a thug is not insane, just a thug. She's arguing against a smug jerk named Dr. Crane.
This guy |
After losing the argument (Because the judge was corrupt, naturally) she outright accuses Dr. Crane of being in the pocket of Falconi, which he barely refutes.
meanwhile, Bruce gets to work figuring out some way to bring down Falconi. He's shown with lots of photos and newspaper clippings, but we're not privy to his detective work. We're just expected to believe that this is all it takes.
"Am I detectiving right?" |
Of course, naturally it's interrupted by a bat. Bruce searches for where they nest and finds some caves. He explores them whilst Alfred exposits about some deeds his great-grandfather did, which basically amount to tunnels that lead all over Gotham.
Do you think it's symbolic enough yet? |
Also, I'm really fed up of that violin.
There's a short scene which confirms that Crane and Falconi are in fact working together to smuggle some drugs into Gotham.
Because in Hollywood, mysteries are no fun if you don't show the audience the answers.
Back at Wayne Enterprises Earl is talking about weapons manufacture and other stuff that paints him as an obvious bad guy.
So he's naturally rather upset when Bruce walks in, flirting with the secretary.
Don't worry about her getting sacked though, she became a member of SHIELD instead |
Bruce wants to work in his father's company and Earl agrees. Bruce decides to start in R&D.
This is where he meets Lucius Fox, played by Morgan Freeman.
Which no longer means he's automatically a good guy |
Fox knew Bruce's dad and has since been designing some really neat stuff. But earl reckons that none of his stuff has any applications, so he's essentially been locked in the basement.
Let me run that by you again.
Earl thinks that none of this stuff has any applications.
So what kind of useless junk are we talking about here?
Steampunk cosplay equipment? |
Kevlar utility belt, magnetic grappling hook and nanofibre wires capable of supporting ridiculous weights.
Yeah, I can't think of a way to make money off of these either.
Fetish gear? |
Stab-proof and near-bullet-proof clothing that doesn't restrict movement.
Earl refused to manufacture because he didn't think the life of a single soldier was worth $300,000.
I'm pretty sure the American military would though.
I'm pretty sure the American public would be willing to be down a few jets for a couple thousand of these.
Earl isn't a bad guy, he's a frigging moron.
Heck, a press release about these things would up stock value considerably. World militaries would be clamouring to get their hands on this stuff.
Anyway, Bruce and Alfred get to work on building the batsuit. They spray the outfit and order parts to make the cowl.
But before it can arrive, Bruce pays Sergeant Gordon a visit.
He makes sure to dress appropriately. He needs to gain this guy's trust. |
Sneaking up behind Gordon he holds something to the back of his head and explains that he'll nab Falconi, with enough evidence to prevent him from wiggling out of it.
Then he attempts the bat-vanish.
It needs work |
He runs back to Fox and picks up some cloth that turn rigid when given an electrical current.
Once again, not put into production because there were no applications and it was too expensive.
"My entire company's run by morons." |
Thyen Bruce spots the Tumbler. Which was designed to jump canyons with a bridge in tow so that infantry could move over it.
And they saw fit to build it like this.
Again, no military applications whatsoever. |
Why would a bridging vehicle need so much armour? Or to be so big? Or to have cannon mounts in the front?
Also, why's it so ugly?
Bruce asks if it comes in black, which means that we'll be stuck with this ugly contraption in place of a Batmobile.
Then Bruce finally puts together the full batsuit.
But we don't get any classic suiting up scene, instead we get Falconi inspecting a shipment of drugs coming in. Batman crashes the party, picking off thugs one by one from the shadows. One long thug shoots around wildy, getting more and more panicked until he finally shouts "Where are you?"
"Here." |
This is what batman should be. A force of nature that stalks criminals from the dark and strikes fear into their very hearts. Everything about this scene is perfect. The brief glimpses, the batarang shattering the lights.
Ok, the bit where he umps in the middle and beats up the remaining thugs is sloppily done, but you can't have everything.
"I'm Batman." |
Batman grabs Falconi and ties him to a spotlight, creating the first bat-symbol.
He leaves all of the thugs tied up, which pictures of them red-handed for the cops to find.
Also, Rachel is getting attacked by some of Falconi's thugs.
She did pretty well on her own though |
She smacks one of them with her handbag and draws a taser on the other, who runs off. She doesn't notice Batman standing behind her and she of course tries to tase him.
"Well, this is awkward." |
Batman gives her some pictures of the corrupt judge cheating on his wife (Or something, it's not clear) and tells her to use it as leeway to keep Falconi in prison. Then he vanishes.
The next day the police chief is telling his men to arrest Batman on sight, because vigilantism is illegal, even if no-one gets killed and it closes their biggest case.
Meanwhile, Earl is informed of a theft from one of their ships. Something called a Microwave Transmitter, which was designed to instantly evaporate water, thus weakening enemy forces by removing their water supply.
Of course, it would also remove the enemy forces. having all of the water in your body flash-evaporated would not be good for you.
Oh, and it was being transported in one piece, all ready to be activated with the press of a button.
"My God, we really are morons." |
After a scene of Bruce pretending to be a billionaire playboy and ticking off Rachel (Who says something that totally won't come back later) Dr. Crane pays Falconi a visit. Falconi tried to slit his wrists and is trying to enter an insanity plea.
Instead of agreeing though, Dr. Crane puts on his scarecrow mask and sprays Falconi with fear gas.
And you thought a movie about the world's greatest detective would involve a mystery. |
So yeah, Crane's the one who's been bringing in drug supplies and he's been using it to create fear gas.
Batman pays Gordon a visit, informing him about the other drugs that were smuggled in. batman decides to go check it out and vanishes.
He then interrogates Gordon's partner, who was at the docks.
Bwhahahahahaha! |
I just cannot take that seriously. If the face isn't enough to make you burst out laughing, the voice certainly would. Words cannot do it justice it's so ridiculous. He sounds like a spotty teenager trying to stand up to his parents.
But since he's being held above an alleyway by his feet, the corrupt cop talks.
Batman investigates the Narrows and finds the drugs, but gets found by a small child.
This scene serves no purpose. |
Batman investigates the drugs just as Crane comes in with two goons, who prepare to torch the place. One starts to use the toilet, only to get knocked unconscious by Batman halfway through.
Not cool bats. Not cool.
Crane gasses Batman, who stumbles away, barely escaping.
Alfred rescues Batman, looking after him for two days. When Bruce wakes up he finds Fox is there too.
And of course, Fox has created an antidote.
Despite the technobabble about how hard it was, he still did it in just one day. |
He agrees to make more and leaves.
Then there's another scene with Rachel buying into Bruce's playboy act. But she does let slip that Falconi's been moved to Arkham. So she does aid the plot.
About as much as a newspaper could, but still.
Anyway, Bruce goes to the batcave. The secret entrance is unlocked by pressing keys in a certain order on the piano. I am disappointed at the lack of a grandfather clock.
And by the lack of batpoles |
And yet, in spite of the setup, we still don't get a classic suiting up scene. Instead we get a scene of Earl sacking Fox, for no reason whatsoever. Although he does let slip about the missing microwave transmitter.
So again, he serves about as much plot function as a newspaper.
Back to Rachel who's in Arkham accusing Crane of being a bad guy.
Then for some reason she willingly follows him into the basement.
Welcome to Gotham, where everyone's either corrupt or stupid. |
Naturally it's a trap where Crane explains his entire evil plan before gassing her.
Just as he's interrogating her the lights go out and he gets all excited about Batman showing up.
This excitement is short-lived however, since Batman beats them all up and gasses Crane.
That's right, Fox could whip up an antidote within one day of seeing the stuff, but Crane hasn't despite having worked on the stuff for at least months, possibly years.
"My God, I'm a moron." |
Batman asks who Crane's working for and he replies "Ra's Al Ghul." Before he can ask any follow-up question however, the cops show up. Since he knows about the arrest warrant on himself, Batman grabs Rachel and starts on his escape plan.
The first part of which is to give Rachel to Gordon to get her out of the building.
Then he activates a sonic device that draws bats to his location.
He jumps down to the bottom floor and blows a hole in the wall to escape into an alley, where Gordon hands back Rachel.
This scene really bugs me. He's supposed to be all concerned about Rachel, so he climbs to the top of the building (From the basement), hands her over, then goes to the bottom floor, leaves, and picks her up again?
Why didn't he just blast straight through the wall while carrying her?
Oh, and there's also the slight issue that the bats are shown smashing through windows. bats wouldn't do that. As far as sonar is concerned, windows and walls look about as solid as each other.
Plus, smashing through windows would hurt the bats.
Anyway, Batman calls the 'Batmobile' to his location.
I really don't like referring to this monstrosity as the Batmobile.
Anyway, using Betty batman evades the cops by simply ramming their cars out of the way.
because apparently the lives of the police aren't as important as the life of his not-girlfriend.
Who chooses now to wake up and panic.
So Batman tries to evade the cops but is stymied by a helicopter.
So he shoots his way out.
For a guy who hates guns, he certainly likes explosions.
He drives off the paring lot and onto the rooftops of Gotham, which are apparently all at the same height.
He makes it to the highway.
Once there, he turns off his lights, which is apparently enough for the thing to become invisible. Taking a turning he escapes the police and returns to the Batcave, where he injects Rachel with the antidote.
When she wakes up (That night, despite having been hit with a more concentrated dose than the one that kept Bats asleep for two days) he explains about the gas and gives her two spare doses, one for Gordon and one for mass production. And then she falls asleep again.
Bruce goes upstairs and gets berated by Alfred for causing a police chase. Alfred's only restraining himself because no-one got hurt.
*Cough*BS*Cough*
Bruce tells Alfred to cancel the party but Alfred insists that Bruce keep up his image.
Bruce relents, but orders Alfred to take care of Rachel.
Bruce meets Fox at the party and they exchange info, basically working out the bad guys plan. Fill the water supply with Fear Gas and then disperse it using the microwave emitter.
Fox leaves to make more of the antidote for the police and an old lady comes up to Bruce to introduce him to someone.
Someone named Ra's Al Ghul.
Understandably stunned, Bruce says out loud that he watched Ra's die.
Bruce hears a familiar voice behind him and turns around to see Liam standing there with a smug grin on his face.
Yep, it turns out that Liam was Ra's Al Ghul all along.
Yeah, I don't think anyone was surprised by this.
So Ra's explains his evil plan and how he was using both Falconi and Crane. Bruce tells him to let everybody go but he refuses, so Bruce pretends to be drunk and tells the guests that they're all sycophants and he's sick of the sight of them, telling them all to leave.
Leaving just him and a room full of ninjas.
Ra's and Bruce fight each other, Ra's wins by taking advantage of the surroundings. namely, the fact that his ninjas have started burning the mansion down. A piece of the mansion falls on top of Bruce and Ra's leaves him for dead.
Ra's' men let all of the inmates out of the asylum.
Rachel wakes up and is instantly fine, despite Bruce having been woozy.
Alfred makes it back to the mansion and rescues Bruce, taking him down to the Batcave.
As they reach the bottom Bruce is suffering from a BSOD, muttering that it's all his fault.
But Alfred quotes his dad and Bruce is right back to normal again.
Meanwhile, Rachel gets the antidote to Gordon. proving that she does have some use to the plot.
Yay for feminists everywhere.
Anyway, the bridges out of the Narrows get raised, trapping everyone on the island while the police try to round up the escaped inmates.
Oh, and in case you thought that this movie wasn't contrived enough, Rachel finds the kid from earlier, who's lost his mother. The cops he asks for help are actually Ra's' men.
Ra's himself is there to set off the machine.
Somehow the machine is able to flash-evaporate all of the water in the mains (Straight through solid concrete and stuff) without harming the people standing right next to it (You try sticking your head in a microwave, see what happens).
(Note: Don't do that. You will die.)
So everyone in the narrows gets hit with a blast of Fear Gas.
For some reason instead of everyone cowering in fear they become violent.
Because if everyone around you looks like a daemon you'll naturally attack them.
And we finally get a scene of Batman suiting up.
He doesn't have the bat symbol on his belt yet and it doesn't even pan over his chest insignia.
Does Nolan even know who Batman is?
Back in the Narrows, Rachel is trying to comfort the child when the Scarecrow rides up on a stolen horse.
Batman reaches the Narrows and explains the plot to Gordon. Ra's is going to use the train to go the the centre of Gotham and vaporise the entire water supply. Batman asks Gordon for help, handing him the keys to Betty.
Cut back to Scarecrow being threatening, only for Rachel to shoot him in the face with her Taser.
What an absolutely worthless villain. Sure, it was pretty badass of Rachel and I wish more women in movies did the same. But it does make Scarecrow look pathetic in that he was taken down by the love interest.
Also, he screams like a girl.
Some inmates show up and stumble zombie-like towards Rachel, but Batman shows up and saves her.
he then quotes something she said earlier so that she can work out who he is before flying off to face Ra's.
Batman points out that two ninjas won't be enough to stop him, so Ra's calls down two more.
Nobody bothers pointing out that four ninjas won't stop him either.
Ra's gets on the train with the machine. After handily beating up the ninjas, so does Batman.
Somehow Batman manages to crash in through a window.
Yeah, I know it's stupid, but it's nearly over and it's not the dumbest thing about this scene.
Batman beats up Ra's while Gordon uses Betty to blow up the track before the train can reach Wayne Tower.
I should point out that the microwave emitter was capable of vaporising all of the water in the Narrows despite only being in one place, yet it's somehow not powerful enough to even affect the water under Wayne Tower despite being practically next to it.
As the train reaches the end of the track (Literally) Ra's is at Batman's mercy, but he points out that Batman won't kill anyone.
To which Batman responds that "I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you."
You may not have killed him with your own hands, but it was still your actions that led to his death. You arranged for the train track to be destroyed and you jammed the controls.
Also, there's such a thing as murder by inaction.
Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, this is murder.
This can't be Batman. Some crazy hobo (Probably named Steve) has clearly stolen the bat costume and is pretending to be Batman.
So, the bad guy is a bad stain on the road and the day is saved right?
Not really. As Gordon points out, the Narrows is lost and lots of police have died.
Presumably lots of people along the train's route towards Wayne Tower are dead too.
And Wayne Manor has been burned to a crisp.
Heck, Gordon even points out the problem of escalation. Once word gets out that a man dressed as a bat is protecting Gotham, all of the real lunatics will flock to it.
This movie sucked. It had its moments sure. The scene at the docks when batman first shows up is perfect. And Micheal Caine's Alfred is priceless.
But.
The villains were dull and pathetic. It was also ridiculously obvious that Liam Neeson was the true bad guy. Batman's voice was ridiculous. Scarecrow was billed as the main villain but got hardly any screentime and was taken down like a punk. The vehicle was ugly.
Oh, and I am really sick of movies where lots of civilians die. These are superheroes, they're supposed to save people.
Heck, Batman didn't even save the city, it was Gordon who did that.
And I am bloody sick of that violin!
The first part of which is to give Rachel to Gordon to get her out of the building.
Then he activates a sonic device that draws bats to his location.
Do you think it's symbolic enough yet? |
This scene really bugs me. He's supposed to be all concerned about Rachel, so he climbs to the top of the building (From the basement), hands her over, then goes to the bottom floor, leaves, and picks her up again?
Why didn't he just blast straight through the wall while carrying her?
Oh, and there's also the slight issue that the bats are shown smashing through windows. bats wouldn't do that. As far as sonar is concerned, windows and walls look about as solid as each other.
Plus, smashing through windows would hurt the bats.
Anyway, Batman calls the 'Batmobile' to his location.
I really don't like referring to this monstrosity as the Batmobile.
I shall call it Betty instead |
because apparently the lives of the police aren't as important as the life of his not-girlfriend.
Who chooses now to wake up and panic.
So Batman tries to evade the cops but is stymied by a helicopter.
So he shoots his way out.
Who designed this thing, Micheal Bay? |
He drives off the paring lot and onto the rooftops of Gotham, which are apparently all at the same height.
And apparently reinforced. That thing should just plummet straight through. |
Seriously, these cops should be dead. |
When she wakes up (That night, despite having been hit with a more concentrated dose than the one that kept Bats asleep for two days) he explains about the gas and gives her two spare doses, one for Gordon and one for mass production. And then she falls asleep again.
Because apparently this girl has a better resistance than Batman |
*Cough*BS*Cough*
Bruce tells Alfred to cancel the party but Alfred insists that Bruce keep up his image.
Bruce relents, but orders Alfred to take care of Rachel.
Really Bruce? You make the aging help do the heavy lifting? |
Fox leaves to make more of the antidote for the police and an old lady comes up to Bruce to introduce him to someone.
Someone named Ra's Al Ghul.
Understandably stunned, Bruce says out loud that he watched Ra's die.
And the old lady doesn't question this. She just wanders off. |
Yep, it turns out that Liam was Ra's Al Ghul all along.
What a Tweest! |
So Ra's explains his evil plan and how he was using both Falconi and Crane. Bruce tells him to let everybody go but he refuses, so Bruce pretends to be drunk and tells the guests that they're all sycophants and he's sick of the sight of them, telling them all to leave.
Leaving just him and a room full of ninjas.
"And I think bow-ties are uncool." |
Ra's' men let all of the inmates out of the asylum.
Rachel wakes up and is instantly fine, despite Bruce having been woozy.
Alfred makes it back to the mansion and rescues Bruce, taking him down to the Batcave.
Amazingly the piano still works, despite the roaring fire |
But Alfred quotes his dad and Bruce is right back to normal again.
Meanwhile, Rachel gets the antidote to Gordon. proving that she does have some use to the plot.
Yay for feminists everywhere.
Anyway, the bridges out of the Narrows get raised, trapping everyone on the island while the police try to round up the escaped inmates.
Oh, and in case you thought that this movie wasn't contrived enough, Rachel finds the kid from earlier, who's lost his mother. The cops he asks for help are actually Ra's' men.
Ra's himself is there to set off the machine.
Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences. But I do believe in lazy storytelling. |
(Note: Don't do that. You will die.)
So everyone in the narrows gets hit with a blast of Fear Gas.
For some reason instead of everyone cowering in fear they become violent.
Because if everyone around you looks like a daemon you'll naturally attack them.
And we finally get a scene of Batman suiting up.
And it's disappointing |
Does Nolan even know who Batman is?
Back in the Narrows, Rachel is trying to comfort the child when the Scarecrow rides up on a stolen horse.
Finally, a villain that actually looks cool. |
Cut back to Scarecrow being threatening, only for Rachel to shoot him in the face with her Taser.
Well, that didn't last long. |
Also, he screams like a girl.
Some inmates show up and stumble zombie-like towards Rachel, but Batman shows up and saves her.
"This is my movie and I'll be the one doing the saving." |
His friends upgraded from Ninjas to Cyber-Ninjas |
Nobody bothers pointing out that four ninjas won't stop him either.
Ra's gets on the train with the machine. After handily beating up the ninjas, so does Batman.
Yeah, this seems feasible |
Yeah, I know it's stupid, but it's nearly over and it's not the dumbest thing about this scene.
Batman beats up Ra's while Gordon uses Betty to blow up the track before the train can reach Wayne Tower.
Maybe it really was designed by Micheal Bay? |
As the train reaches the end of the track (Literally) Ra's is at Batman's mercy, but he points out that Batman won't kill anyone.
To which Batman responds that "I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you."
So, please explain how this doesn't count as murder. |
Also, there's such a thing as murder by inaction.
Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, this is murder.
This can't be Batman. Some crazy hobo (Probably named Steve) has clearly stolen the bat costume and is pretending to be Batman.
So, the bad guy is a bad stain on the road and the day is saved right?
Not really. As Gordon points out, the Narrows is lost and lots of police have died.
Presumably lots of people along the train's route towards Wayne Tower are dead too.
And Wayne Manor has been burned to a crisp.
Heck, Gordon even points out the problem of escalation. Once word gets out that a man dressed as a bat is protecting Gotham, all of the real lunatics will flock to it.
And we've already chosen the villain for the next movie. |
But.
The villains were dull and pathetic. It was also ridiculously obvious that Liam Neeson was the true bad guy. Batman's voice was ridiculous. Scarecrow was billed as the main villain but got hardly any screentime and was taken down like a punk. The vehicle was ugly.
Oh, and I am really sick of movies where lots of civilians die. These are superheroes, they're supposed to save people.
Heck, Batman didn't even save the city, it was Gordon who did that.
And I am bloody sick of that violin!
As an American I don't even understand the love of Batman. He's so boooorrrring. Now his villains....depending on the writer of course, have fairly complex and interesting back stories. And Crane (Scarecrow) is one of my more favourites besides all the gals in the Batman Universe.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah don't feel bad because a lot of us Americans don't even understand it.
The funny thing is I like all of his supporting cast. Two of my favourite characters of all time (Spoiler and Harley Quinn) come from it. But I can't stand either Batman or Joker.
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