Thursday, 17 August 2017

Mythica: A Quest For Heroes.

I don't think it's really a secret that I'm a massive Dungeons and Dragons nerd.
I love being a player, I love being a GM, I love reading fantasy novels, looking at monster stat-lines, creating new races, building entire worlds.
It is quite a wondrous thing to be a fan of.
But there's one D&D related thing I don't enjoy.
Watching the movies.
For some reason they just cannot get a good movie done.
Even movies based off of D&D don't do very well. The whole Fantasy genre appears to be mired in a pool of mediocrity.
It doesn't help that they're very cheap to make, so a lot of mediocre film companies will just churn them out to make a quick buck. Just buy some costumes and go film in the woods for a few hours, add some monster in post and BAM, one terrible fantasy movie.
Arrowstorm Entertainment, on the other hand, actually care about making movies that at least have decent plots.
You may remember them from my reviews of Dawn of the Dragonslayer and its' sequel.
So, I present to you Mythica: A Quest For Heroes.
These guys really need to sack whoever keeps doing these.
Okay Arrowstorm, we need to have a serious talk. Can you please, please start making DVD covers that actually relate to the movie?
Two of those three people don't appear in the movie. That dragon doesn't appear in the movie. That castle might appear in the movie, but if it does it's only briefly. She doesn't use swords in the movie. Not even one, let alone two. That skirt isn't even a part of her outfit for crying out loud.
Want to know the most insulting part of this cover though?
Can you spot it?
The actual screenshot they edited for the front cover actually appears on the back cover.
Great job editor, great job.
Luckily, the movie's better than the cover, so let's get straight into it.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Doctor Strange

Can you believe just how far the Marvel Cinematic Universe has come?
It appeared seemingly out of nowhere back in 2008 with Iron Man and blew everybody's minds.
Then Iron Man 2 came out and proved that Marvel Studios weren't just a one hit wonder.
Everything just got bigger and better from there, building up to The Avengers, which smashed cinematic opening records the world over.
Ever since then, Marvel have expanded which properties they're willing to adapt to the big screen. It's not just their biggest names who're getting the limelight anymore, but relative unknowns such as Ant-Man and The Guardians of the Galaxy.
Thus, Marvel have proven that they can turn almost any of their characters into cinematic gold.
So it was only a matter of time before they got around to the Sorcerer Supreme himself, Doctor Strange.
You will see the Doctor now.
I'm super excited about this movie, and not just because of how much I enjoyed it. But also because the Doctor will be dropping by near the end to finally get my soul out of Deadpool's head and into the LMD.
You're excited? Imagine how excited I am to finally be free of you. I've had enough people catching free rides in my brainpan for one lifetime.
Maybe you should have thought of that before you killed me back in the Deadpool review.
How was I supposed to know that you'd come back to haunt me in the Green Lantern review?
...
Do you think that's enough backstory for the readers to remember what's going on?
Yeah, so let's get into reviewing this movie already.

Friday, 21 April 2017

Suicide Squad

Does any type of movie attract more hate than the bad superhero movie?
There are certainly enough bad movies out there. There have been bad action movies, bad romance movies and a whole glut of bad fantasy movies.
But bad superhero movies tend to stand out and be remembered.
Ask anybody to name a bad fantasy movie and they'll probably list a few so-bad-it's-good movies. But when asked to name bad superhero movies? There's a whole frigging list of unsalvageable atrocities.
I think the problem comes from the fact that they're attempting to take something that's already beloved by millions and transform it into money via moviedom, but without taking any time to understand why it's beloved.Take today's movie, as an example.
Finally one of my favourite DC characters is on film and boy, was it disappointing.
I honestly don't know what this movie was supposed to accomplish. Most of these guys are recurring villains from DC superheroes who haven't even gotten their own movies yet.
But it does have Will Smith, so I was willing to give it a chance.
I should not have done so.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

In all of the aeons of human history, few superhero movies are looked down upon as much as today's. Especially by my co-star.
For good reason.
Indeed. People disliked Batman Forever. People scoffed at Green Lantern. People despised Batman Vs Superman. Spider-Man 3, X-3: The Last Stand, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, all of these caused their series to be rebooted.
But of all the bad superhero movies, this one stands out as being the very worst.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Either that, or this is a Hugh Jackman workout video.
This movie went wrong at just about every step it could go wrong at.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Green Lantern (By Deadpool)

I have made a hideous mistake.
Y'see, last week I viciously and hilariously murdered the owner of this blog. He had this whole thing where he didn't think I was the greatest superhero of all time. I know right?
But after killing him (Painfully) I was struck with this strange sensation. Some kind of sense that what I did may not have been the greatest idea. After all, if George is dead, who's going to run this blog?
Me, that's who!
Deadpool.
However, that's where the mistake comes in.
Because of what movie I have to review.
Who's that devilishly handsome chap at the front?
Yeah, so I have to review one of the biggest embarrassments of Ryan Reynolds career, and that says a lot considering that he was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
So let's watch this puppy and fight the urge to pop some bullets into our heads.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Deadpool

Deadpool used to be my favourite superhero.
This guy.
But in 2016, something occurred that made me re-evaluate and I have to admit, Deadpool is no longer my favourite.
What?
Uhh, excuse me?
How dare you drop me!
Deadpool? What are you doing here? Why are you here?
More importantly, how are you here?
Uh, helloooo? I'm Deadpool? The guy who treats the fourth wall like a urinal? Did you really expect to be able to get away with reviewing MY movie without me showing up to ensure that you stay focused on revelling in the glory that is me?
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Exactly. Now, would you mind explaining why I'm not your favourite superhero? And you better explain quickly, because I've got a whole clip of ammunition with your name on it.
Well, actually each bullet has the name of one of your various extremities carved into them. "George's Left Pinkie Toe" is my personal favourite but don't let "George's Right Testicle" know, it gets jealous.
Okay, Wade, listen. Let's get through reviewing your movie and I'll explain.
Fine, I'll listen. But just so you know, I'm putting my gun within easily-reachable distance, so don't get any funny ideas.
Let's just get started.

Friday, 3 March 2017

Snow White & The Huntsman

Watching movies is supposed to be something you enjoy.
However, some directors seem to believe otherwise.
They seem to think that their viewers deserve to suffer.
Weren't there supposed to be dwarfs in this movie?
Let's not split hairs. The only reason Kristen Stewart was cast as Snow White in this movie was because she slept with the director. Considering that this was supposed to be a feminist movie, maybe they should have chosen their lead based on something other than 'Who's willing to sleep their way to the top'?
Especially when that 'actress' has only one facial expression. That of having just been smacked in the face with a plank of wood.
In case you couldn't guess, I'm not a fan of Kristen Stewart.
I am, however, a fan of Chris Hemsworth, which is why I decided to buy this movie.

Friday, 24 February 2017

King Arthur

Ok, so, funny story.
I was supposed to be reviewing Star Wars: Phantom Menace today, but a slight hiccup has occurred. Turns out that the copy I own is too scratched to work with my laptop's DVD player. As such, reviewing it would prove challenging in the least.
So, instead I'm going to review the 2004 cinematic attempt to put the legendary King Arthur back into the public conscious.
"True story."
Spoiler warning: It didn't work.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Blazing Saddles

There is no possible way to talk about this movie without it getting political.
What about "Racism is bad" is so hard to understand?
A bit of history may help.
In 1968 comedic creator Mel Brooks decided to make a movie mocking Adolf Hitler. His stated goal was to make Hitler and the Nazis into such a joke that nobody would ever be able to take their ideas seriously ever again.
In 1974, he decided to try and to the same thing to the concept of racism.
Strange thing is, this movie pretty much predicted current American politics.
And it did it to such a creepily accurate degree that I'm seriously beginning to think that Mel Brooks may be psychic.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

George Of The Jungle

If you haven't noticed by reading the title of this Blog, my name is George.
So let's flash back to 1997, when I was only 11 years old and moving to a new school.
Then this movie came out.
Admit it, you're humming the theme song.
Thing is though, I actually really like this movie. It's funny, has good talent and Brendan Fraser's just so darn likeable.
And he spends most of the movie wearing nothing but a loincloth, so that's a plus.

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Flubber

Today's movie poses something of a conundrum for me.
I mean, I have fond memories of it. All of my friends and co-workers love it too.
But, thinking back, I can't really say much about it that I genuinely liked.
In fact, there's quite a lot that I would outright loathe in any other movie.
Aka: Robin Williams mucks about: The movie.
So let's have a watch and try to work out why this particular film is so fondly remembered despite having just about every cliche in the book.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Spartacus

I fear it may be impossible to talk about this movie without mentioning the political climate of the time.
However, this is supposed to be a light-hearted review, so I don't want to weigh it down.
If you want to know the details, you can read up on it here.
With that out of the way, who am I talking about?
This guy.
The first thing I notice about this movie is the sheer length. I own the extended edition, so it clocks in at over 3 hours.
So watching this movie feels like a marathon by itself.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Red Reaper

If you've never heard of this movie, I wouldn't blame you.
This is one of those movies where you see the DVD cover and you just know it's going to be painful to watch.
And this is the better version.
That rechead up there is a woman named Tara Cardinal, who not only starred in this movie, but also wrote, directed and produced it.
You can tell there this is going.
But there's worse.
One of the executive producers is a guy named Uwe Boll. If you've not heard of Uwe Boll then let me tell you what he's famous for.
1; Using German tax loopholes to screw investors out of money.
2; Making atrociously bad action movies such as Bloodrayne.
3; Challenging film critics to boxing matches so that he can beat them into submission.
Classy.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Yes Man

I'm not really sure what to say about this movie.
I mean, it's not a bad movie by any means. But nothing really sticks out about it.
After all, if you ask someone to name their favourite Jim Carrey roles, Carl Allen doesn't often get remembered, let alone mentioned.
Who man?
So let's have a look at it and see if I can find anything worth discussing.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Snow Queen

Everybody is aware of the Disney smash-hit Frozen.
However, a surprising amount of people didn't realise that it was based on a fairytale by Hans Christian Anderson, titled The Snow Queen.
And Disney weren't the only people who attempted to adapt this classic tale.
Russia got there a year earlier.
And with less budget.
It's interesting to note that while this movie came out in 2012, it was released on DVD almost immediately after Frozen broke records. It even has the tagline 'The tale that inspired Frozen'.
So let's have a look and see if this movie can stand on its' own merits or not.