Friday, 21 April 2017

Suicide Squad

Does any type of movie attract more hate than the bad superhero movie?
There are certainly enough bad movies out there. There have been bad action movies, bad romance movies and a whole glut of bad fantasy movies.
But bad superhero movies tend to stand out and be remembered.
Ask anybody to name a bad fantasy movie and they'll probably list a few so-bad-it's-good movies. But when asked to name bad superhero movies? There's a whole frigging list of unsalvageable atrocities.
I think the problem comes from the fact that they're attempting to take something that's already beloved by millions and transform it into money via moviedom, but without taking any time to understand why it's beloved.Take today's movie, as an example.
Finally one of my favourite DC characters is on film and boy, was it disappointing.
I honestly don't know what this movie was supposed to accomplish. Most of these guys are recurring villains from DC superheroes who haven't even gotten their own movies yet.
But it does have Will Smith, so I was willing to give it a chance.
I should not have done so.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

In all of the aeons of human history, few superhero movies are looked down upon as much as today's. Especially by my co-star.
For good reason.
Indeed. People disliked Batman Forever. People scoffed at Green Lantern. People despised Batman Vs Superman. Spider-Man 3, X-3: The Last Stand, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, all of these caused their series to be rebooted.
But of all the bad superhero movies, this one stands out as being the very worst.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Either that, or this is a Hugh Jackman workout video.
This movie went wrong at just about every step it could go wrong at.

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Green Lantern (By Deadpool)

I have made a hideous mistake.
Y'see, last week I viciously and hilariously murdered the owner of this blog. He had this whole thing where he didn't think I was the greatest superhero of all time. I know right?
But after killing him (Painfully) I was struck with this strange sensation. Some kind of sense that what I did may not have been the greatest idea. After all, if George is dead, who's going to run this blog?
Me, that's who!
Deadpool.
However, that's where the mistake comes in.
Because of what movie I have to review.
Who's that devilishly handsome chap at the front?
Yeah, so I have to review one of the biggest embarrassments of Ryan Reynolds career, and that says a lot considering that he was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
So let's watch this puppy and fight the urge to pop some bullets into our heads.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Deadpool

Deadpool used to be my favourite superhero.
This guy.
But in 2016, something occurred that made me re-evaluate and I have to admit, Deadpool is no longer my favourite.
What?
Uhh, excuse me?
How dare you drop me!
Deadpool? What are you doing here? Why are you here?
More importantly, how are you here?
Uh, helloooo? I'm Deadpool? The guy who treats the fourth wall like a urinal? Did you really expect to be able to get away with reviewing MY movie without me showing up to ensure that you stay focused on revelling in the glory that is me?
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Exactly. Now, would you mind explaining why I'm not your favourite superhero? And you better explain quickly, because I've got a whole clip of ammunition with your name on it.
Well, actually each bullet has the name of one of your various extremities carved into them. "George's Left Pinkie Toe" is my personal favourite but don't let "George's Right Testicle" know, it gets jealous.
Okay, Wade, listen. Let's get through reviewing your movie and I'll explain.
Fine, I'll listen. But just so you know, I'm putting my gun within easily-reachable distance, so don't get any funny ideas.
Let's just get started.

Friday, 3 March 2017

Snow White & The Huntsman

Watching movies is supposed to be something you enjoy.
However, some directors seem to believe otherwise.
They seem to think that their viewers deserve to suffer.
Weren't there supposed to be dwarfs in this movie?
Let's not split hairs. The only reason Kristen Stewart was cast as Snow White in this movie was because she slept with the director. Considering that this was supposed to be a feminist movie, maybe they should have chosen their lead based on something other than 'Who's willing to sleep their way to the top'?
Especially when that 'actress' has only one facial expression. That of having just been smacked in the face with a plank of wood.
In case you couldn't guess, I'm not a fan of Kristen Stewart.
I am, however, a fan of Chris Hemsworth, which is why I decided to buy this movie.

Friday, 24 February 2017

King Arthur

Ok, so, funny story.
I was supposed to be reviewing Star Wars: Phantom Menace today, but a slight hiccup has occurred. Turns out that the copy I own is too scratched to work with my laptop's DVD player. As such, reviewing it would prove challenging in the least.
So, instead I'm going to review the 2004 cinematic attempt to put the legendary King Arthur back into the public conscious.
"True story."
Spoiler warning: It didn't work.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Blazing Saddles

There is no possible way to talk about this movie without it getting political.
What about "Racism is bad" is so hard to understand?
A bit of history may help.
In 1968 comedic creator Mel Brooks decided to make a movie mocking Adolf Hitler. His stated goal was to make Hitler and the Nazis into such a joke that nobody would ever be able to take their ideas seriously ever again.
In 1974, he decided to try and to the same thing to the concept of racism.
Strange thing is, this movie pretty much predicted current American politics.
And it did it to such a creepily accurate degree that I'm seriously beginning to think that Mel Brooks may be psychic.