Fifty Shades Of Grey

I have nothing against romantic movies. I think it's very important that I point that out. I actually rather enjoy them, when they're done well.

Twilight was not done well.

When Twilight was first released I hated and despised it. And yes, I did try to read it. I did not enjoy even one second of it. But I'm a great believer in letting bygones be bygones and if people wish to enjoy it, so be it. All I could do was point out the bits that were abusive and leave them to it.

But then this steaming pile of horseshit came out.

I couldn't find a decent pic of the DVD cover online.

And it sold better than proverbial hotcakes. I am still baffled as to why. It's Twilight with the serial numbers filed off. And sex added in.

If you wanted to read that, why not just go find some fanfiction?

Then you could have gotten this story for free.

Enough ranting, I've got a movie to get through.

First things first, i feel as though I need to give credit where it's due. Almost everything I know about this series I learned by reading the blog of erotic author, Jenny Trout.

In case you're not aware, Jenny did an epic review of all three books in the series and she's currently working through the fourth. A lot of what I have to say will be very similar to what she's already said.

So, let's get on with the actual review.

Before I've even pressed play there's something to complain about.

The movie's existence in general for one.

In the picture they chose for the menu screen, did they really have to choose a shot where it looks like he's threatening her?

So the movie starts with Anastasia Rose Steele (And no, that's not a fake name, they're actually running with this) getting ready to drive to Seattle to interview wealthy billionaire Christian Grey on behalf of her sick room-mate Kate.

And Ana immediately makes me hate her by casually mentioning her 4.0 GPA when discussing driving.

And immediately after forgetting her recorder and question sheet.

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.

So she drives the ninety or so miles to Seattle.

Shouldn't they change the name to Stephanie Meyer?

Ana makes her way up the building to the floor with Christian on and is greeted by four blonde women. They're all incredibly attractive, wear suits and have no personality, so I can only conclude that they're robots that Christian had built purely so that he could snub them with his cold indifference.

Why do so many rich people remind me of Seto Kaiba?

Ana enters Christian's office, where she forgets how doors work. She doesn't even trip over anything, she just stops moving her feet for a moment.

Funny thing about doors, they open when you lean on them.

And so we get our first good look at the 'Super-hot' Christian 'Edward Cullen' Grey. Or Chedward for short.

And I am distinctly whelmed.

Sure, he's cute and all, but he's not anything special. Not even a blip on the likes of Robert Downey Jr or Chris Pratt.

heck, if he were to come onto me I'd be flattered but I'd probably turn him down (Although due to his rampant homophobia, that's rather unlikely).

So they sit down ready for the interview.

Why is the seat so far from the desk?

So they sit awkwardly for a little while before Ana remembers that she has questions to ask (Good going, miss 4.0) and they talk about who Chedward is. For about five minutes.

And it is ungodly boring. What a great way to start your movie, having the romantic interest talking in monotone about how great he is.

I think the entire scene exists for the sole purpose of having quotes for the trailer. Cliche ones too like "I don't do romance".

But then he turns it around and asks her about her. When she says that she's an English major, he asks if it was Hardy or Bronte who first got her to fall in love with literature.

Which is rather pretentious, the author who got me to fall in love with literature was whoever wrote the Hungry Caterpillar.

Which was a much more nuanced character than any in this movie.

So Ana goes home and face 'The Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition' as she referred to it in the book.

She asked how it went. That was it.

Ana gets all defensive and Kate goes to bed.

The next day Ana is working at a hardware store when she gets a call from her mother (Because she's a terrible employee who carries her phone on her at work). Her stepdad Bob has broken his foot and therefor can't fly out to her graduation.

Because you can't sit on a plane with a broken foot apparently. It's all that walking you have to do.

But as she's working who should enter the store but Chedward.

Because he's a creepy stalker.

Ana is so surprised that she actually starts to say "What the fuck" but Chedward walks straight up into her face. She asks what he's doing there and he says that he's there on business.

Whilst doing his best impression of the Joker.

If you've started reading Grey, first off, why? Second, Chedward refers to himself as having a 'Shit-eating grin'. Yeah, I can see that.

Anyway, he asks her to help him find some stuff. Stuff such as cable-ties, duct tape and rope.

"You're the complete serial killer." -Actual quote.

It's like James has her own subconscious, that's constantly telling her that what she's writing is horrifying, but it just can't quite make itself heard.

When I first read this book, I thought it was a parody of Twilight. Showing how creepy Edward Cullen would be in real life, with all the supernatural stuff stripped away. But no, James really is this crazy.

When Ana is ringing up the items, her manager actually comes over and asks if she'd like him to bag for her. Presumably because he noticed the creepy stalker dude buying kidnapping supplies and is trying to intervene, like any good manager should.

Not that Chedward comes across as creepy or anything.

Ana mentions that Kate wanted some pictures and Chedward offers to pose for them if they've got a photographer. As he leaves Ana watches him get in the car, presumably taking mental note of how to escape from the boot.

The next day Jose (Her male friend who's a photographer) takes some photos of Chedward. "Maybe we can get one of you smiling?"

Or maybe some lighting, like in an actual photography studio?

This is something that bugs me personally. They have all of the lighting stuff set up, but Jose only relies on the flash. And Chedward stands there like he's got a stick up his rectum.

Those photos are going to turn out horribly.

Although maybe that's Chedward's plan, since after the shoot he asks Ana if Jose's her boyfriend. He asks the same thing about the guy from the hardware store. He could just ask if she's single, but that wouldn't make him seem anywhere near as confrontational.

So in the coffee shop he and Ana have a creepy conversation where Chedward ignores everything to do with boundaries.

Although outside he does save her from being hit by a bike.

A bike that was in no danger of actually hitting anyone.

Gee, what a hero.

It's hard to get a screenshot, but he actually pulls her closer to the bike as he 'saves' her.

He then says, and I quote, "I'm not the man for you. You have to stay clear of me. I have to let you go."

But instead, he buys her some rare books.

Because he's an asshole.

Pictured: The exact opposite of letting her go.

Also, how's she supposed to steer clear of him if he keeps stalking her? Every time they've interacted since the first meeting, it's been him who initiated it.

And as a side note, first edition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles only costs £375 for a set. There are far, far more expensive ones available.

Ana and Kate go to a bar and get drunk with Jose. Ana goes to the toilet and drunk calls Chedward, who immediately tells her that she shouldn't be drinking and that he'll come and get her.

Yes, seriously.

She doesn't even tell him where she is. She actually refuses to do so. But he tracks her down via her phone.

This guy. This fucking guy.

Outside the bar, Jose puts the moves on Ana, who tells him that she's not interested. Jose doesn't get the hint and goes for a kiss, only for Chedward to arrive and shove him away.

Okay, so what Jose did was a bad thing. If a girl says no then you should back off.

But HELLO, what Chedward does is even worse. Do you want to know what he does next?

He tells Ana that he's taking her home. But when she vomits and falls unconscious, he instead takes her to his hotel room, where he undresses her, dresses her again and then he sleeps in the same bed as her.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

Is this what our romantic heroes are supposed to be doing now? Kidnapping?

And yes, this is kidnapping. He takes an unconscious girl to a place she doesn't know and then he strips her.

That also constitutes sexual assault in every State.

And when she asks if it was really necessary to change her clothes, he lies and says that she had vomit all over them.

Bullshit, those clothes are completely vomit-free.

And what happened to Jose? Does he just not care that this guy they barely know (And he doesn't know at all) took Ana? He said to Ana that he was taking her home in front of Jose. Did he just not bother checking about whether she made it home ok?

Some friend.

Don't worry about Jose though, we don't see him ever again in this movie.

So anyway, in the hotel room he orders her to eat, because he's clearly figured out that she's got daddy issues and is playing on that. Then he does something else that's creepy and weird.

And not a cute kind of creepy and weird either.

What the actual fuck? I can get behind the whole sexy predator thing, but this isn't sexy, this is serial killer territory.

Again.

She should be calling the police the moment he leaves to take a shower.

But instead, she calls him back to ask a question.

That was a quick shower.
He got rid of the exercise sweat and dried off in the time it took her to put her toast down.

The question? "Why am I here?"

The answer? "Because I'm incapable of leaving you alone."

Call. The. Police.

Christian drives them back to hers, where they meet Kate and Chedward's brother Elliot banging.

And they're immediately judging them both.

Chedward asks what she's doing that night and she says she's working until 7. He replies that Taylor (his driver) will pick her up from work at 7. It's not a question.

When Taylor does pick her up he takes her to a helipad, where Chedward is waiting with his personal chopper, the imaginatively named Charlie Tango.

In the book, his company was named Grey Holdings Enterprises Ltd, which is just stupid.

Chedward reveals that he's going to be the pilot as he straps her in, actually saying the phrase "No escaping now."

He doesn't grin or anything to indicate that it's a joke. He just straight up says that she can't escape.

"I have you now my pretty."

He's going to fly her into the woods and chop her into tiny little pieces.

If only I were that lucky.

Instead he flies her to his place in Seattle where he decides to explain his weird fetishes.

He lets he into his Red Room. Because, just like with his helicopter, he has no imagination.

"But first, sign this non-disclosure agreement, because I don't trust you."

That should  be the first sign to run away from the relationship and never look back.

Actually, that should be like, the fifteenth sign, but I haven't exactly been counting.

Anyway, once inside the room she asks what the stuff is all for. He says that it's all "To please me." And that tells you pretty much everything you need to know about his personality. When she asks what she would get, he just says "Me."

Because this man has an ego the size of Kaiba Island.

Except that Kaiba has a personality in addition to his ego.

Ana leaves the room and sits down, trying to take it all in. Chedward can't accept that though and he pressures her into agreeing. He starts by asking what she's done with her previous boyfriends. When she tells him that she's a virgin, he gets angry and declares that he will "Rectify the situation."

This guy. This fucking guy.

For the record (And this shouldn't need to be said, but it apparently does) anger is not the correct response to finding out that the girl you want is a virgin.

"Woohoo!" Is a better (But still bad) response.

"I'll be gentle" is an acceptable (If tactless) response.

"We'll take things at your pace." Is a good response.

"I won't do anything if you don't want me to." Is the correct response.

Getting angry and 'Rectifying the situation' could be construed as rape. Especially if you've been plying her with drinks for who knows how long.

So he bangs her, and it is pretty vanilla. They do show boobs and even her pubic hair (Apparently there are girls who still have that). But the scene is actually rather boring. Considering that this is supposed to be a movie about sex (And it's the unseen version at that) you'd think that they wouldn't cut to a new scene until after she'd orgasmed. But nope. 

Boobies! And ass!

Although the cinematography was rather good.

After they finish having sex, Ana wakes up to find Chedward playing the piano. She goes to hug him, so he picks her up and takes her to the bedroom where they have sex again.

And in his bedroom we find that he has a mirrored ceiling.

Not only is this cliche, but it makes no sense. He's already mentioned that he's never had sex with anyone in his bed. So why is there a mirror there? Does he just lie there and stare at himself?

Because that raises a lot of questions about his homophobia.

In the morning Ana is cooking breakfast whilst wearing only his shirt and bouncing to music, which I have to admit is damn sexy.

I'll admit that an ass is sexy when it's sexy.

Chedward mentions that she's energetic, which makes no sense if he's as good as he's supposed to be. If she really had multiple orgasms, she should barely be able to walk.

But after breakfast they have a bath together (In a ridiculously tiny bath for someone so rich) and have sex again. No mention of any 'Christian Grey flavoured popsicles' though, which disappoints the giggling child in me.

Afterwards, they prepare to have sex again (Does James even remember her first time?) but they're interrupted by Chedward's mother. She's there to invite him to a family lunch. When she notices Ana she invites her too, expressing glee at finally meeting one of Chedward's girlfriends (She probably assumed that he was gay).

And then she leaves. Wow, she was so important to the plot.

Ana goes to what would be her room (Because Chedward doesn't sleep in the same bed as anyone else) and he says that they can't do the romance thing. She asks if she would just be his sex slave and if she would have to use that room. His response is to tell her to keep an open mind. In other words;

"I'm not going to do anything you want to do, but you should totally do everything that I ask you to. That's how relationships work right?"

This guy. This fucking guy.

But then he says that he'll be devoted to her if she just does everything he asks.

Just like a pet.

Ana asks to be driven home (Surely it would be quicker to just use the chopper?) and Chedward complies. On the way she falls asleep and he takes the opportunity to make a detour into some woods.
My first thought is that this is where he kills her and dumps the body, but no such luck. Instead he gives her a sob story about how his birth mother was a crack whore and a prostitute. I know it's canon that she was, but it sounds like such BS that I'm amazed Ana believes it.

But then again, she's the one with the 4.0 GPA.

He does get her home and hands her a contract to sign. Yes, this is the infamous sex contract that was mocked so relentlessly a few years ago.
He tells her to e-mail him with any questions, but she reminds him that her laptop's broken. With yet another shit-eating grin he drives off.
And when she gets indoors, lo-and-behold what should be there but a man installing her new computer.

Because laptops are so complicated they need an installation guy.

I don't mean to insult the guy. Heck, he even gives the best performance of literally anyone in this movie, but I don't think that's a real job.
If I'm wrong, please correct me.
The next few scenes are actually a rather good combination of two scenes from the book. The reading of the contract and the e-mailing are done at the same time. Ana reads the contract in voice-over whilst the e-mails are done like little pop-ups on-screen.
The whole thing is still moronic of course, but that's the source material. They're polishing shit so that it shines, but it still stinks of shit.

Pro-tip: If someone requires you to sign a contract before entering into a relationship with them,
they don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone.

As to the content of the contract itself? It's not actually about sex. Oh sure, there's lots of stuff about sex in there, but it basically says that she agrees to give control of every aspect of her life over to Chedward. Down to when she can go out and what she can eat.
This isn't sub/dom, this is outright slavery.
Which is fortunate, because it means that this contract isn't legally binding. You cannot sign away your basic human rights (Such as the right to the freedom to make your own choices). This is true for every single country within the UN.
Not that it matters, she never actually signs the thing.
Also, a sidenote about safewords (Which get mentioned). 'red' is not a good safeword, especially in a room you call the 'Red room'. A safeword is supposed to be a word that you will only say if something has gone wrong. My personal favourite is 'Pineapple', since I'm not going to be taking a pineapple into a sex session. But 'Red'? Can you imagine the mistakes?
"Pass me that red pillow please."
"Your face is red."
"You look best in the red lingerie."
Yeah, all sorts of opportunity for confusion.
So they get into an argument over e-mail, which ends with her saying "It was nice to have known you."
Which is, legally, a pretty clear indication that she wants nothing to do with him anymore.

The best part of this relationship is how he listens to her.

He's here to have sex with her again, because the solution to every problem with their relationship is his penis.
And she lets him, because she has exactly zero willpower, making her the worst Green Lantern candidate in the universe.

Plus, that mask is terrible.

They of course have boring vanilla sex, this time at least they tied her to the bedframe (How fortunate for his fetish that her bedframe is so elaborate).
Aft they're done (Again, it doesn't show us the 'Explosive orgasms' described in the book) she starts trying to cuddle, so he gets up and leaves, because he can't be around a girl with such intense emotions.
He's not exactly endeared himself to me this past hour.
The next day she sends him an e-mail saying that she wishes to schedule a meeting to discuss the contract. Since it's a meeting he'll wear a suit, to which she cracks a joke about wearing a burlap sack.

"That's exactly what my last girlfriend was wearing when I threw her off that bridge."

They go over the contract, treating us to the stimulating conversation regarding article 5.a, appendix c.
Yes, that's really what they talk about.
Until they get to several sex acts that she tells him to cross off, such as fisting and using genital clamps (Such a kinky movie, mentioning these items but never using them.)
Then she asks what butt plugs are.
Gee, take a wild guess lady.

Studies English Literature, can't put together the words 'Butt' and 'Plug'.
4.0 GPA.

After some blonde women serve food (And wine) Chedward tells her that he wants to tear her dress off and fuck her on the table.
And this is just about the only genuinely sexy conversation that these two have together.
Which is why it ends just as suddenly as it begins.
Instead they mention cable-ties being used in bondage (NO! Never use cable-ties. EVER!) and he comes up with a deal where, for one day a week, they'll do something romantic, like a regular couple. Something she can choose.

Cue shit-eating grin, where we realise that he has no intention on following through.

After she leaves we skip to her graduation, where her stepdad Ray is there to meet her. He greets her by calling her Miss Steele, which is exactly what Chedward has been doing this entire time.
Daddy issues, totally called it.
As Chedward gives some speech about education being the foundation of the future or some trite (He donated money to the school, hence why Kate wanted to interview him), two girls chatter about how totally hot he is (I'll bet he planted them) and Ana leans over to tell them that she heard a rumour that he's gay.
Because she's so insecure about herself that she has to lie about his sexuality to two girls that she doesn't even know.

What a bitch.

After the graduation they go back to hers and have some alcohol before he shows her a present he got for her. A new car. Wow, what an incredibly sweet, romantic gesture, I can't wait for him to fuck it up.
"I already have a car."
"Taylor got a good price for it."
And there it is.
Yep, he literally stole her car and sold it. A car that she had previously expressed some pride in owning. (Although in the book, her old car was a present from Kate, which Chedward knew).
Ana gets mad at him for stealing and selling her stuff and this confuses Chedward, so he has sex with her.
No wait, he actually mixes it up this time.
This time he spanks her but doesn't fuck her. Despite her actually asking this time (Yeah, she never asked before, he just assumed). Why is he blue-balling her? Because she didn't fuck him back when they were talking about the contract.
Because he's an abusive asshole.
If a guy treats you like this, break up with him. If he tries to 'Not let you' then call the fucking police.
This is not romance. This is more like a thriller where he's a creepy stalker who won't let her go.
Because that's what he is.
I hate this movie.
Afterwards Ana's mother calls and asks how her relationship's going (Ray told her about it), which causes Ana to break down into tears.

Oh look, some decent acting. Don't worry, it doesn't last long.

When they next meet up they have yet another boring sex scene.

Although the hair braiding was kinda sexy.

After the sex scene ends (As anticlimactically as all the others) Ana and Chedward visit his family for that lunch that was mentioned. There was a mention of it being special because his sister Mia was there, but she only gets one line, which isn't important.
More importantly, Kate (Who's apparently going steady with Elliot now) mentions Jose. Chedward grips Ana's leg tightly, obviously jealous that she's friends with a male, despite her having shown less than zero interest in Jose.
What makes it worse is the expression Ana give Chedward.

"I'm sorry for having male friends from before you entered my life."

Ana also mentions that she's going to Georgia the next day to see her mother and Chedward gets angry, demanding to know when Ana was going to tell him.
I hate this movie and everybody in it.
If I have to explain to you why this should be unacceptable behaviour for a romantic male lead, then there's no helping you.
To her credit, she does have a go at him for this attitude, calling him 'Confusing'.
He's not confusing, he's horrible.
He says that this is just the way he is and he's not going to change. The unspoken part is that he doesn't care enough about Ana to try.

This guy.
This.
Fucking.
Guy.

After a bit more talking he mentions how he can't remember his mother, except for when he remembers her.
Ok, he says sometimes when he's dreaming, but it's still bullshit.

And I'm three for three.

Ana leaves and flies to Georgia (Chedward upgrades her to first class then chastises her for having her phone on). After talking to her mother for a little while she gets a text from Chedward asking how she is.
After a bit of back and forth he casually mentions that he's having lunch with a friend. Ana, proving that she's just as possessive as Chedward, immediately assumes that it's his ex that he's still friends with.
Oh yeah, I hadn't mentioned this ex. It's because she's a Freudian excuse James put in to explain why Chedward's such a horrible person. Basically, one of his mother's friends seduced him when he was 15.
Which means that she's a child abuser.
And she's also the person Chedward turns to for advice, especially when it comes to relationships.
Yes, Chedward is literally taking his relationship advice from a child abuser.
Can this person get any more unlikable?
But anyway, as Ana and her mother talk, Chedward appears directly behind Ana.

Making this the third time that he's tracked her halfway across the country.
This time it's different though.
She specifically wanted to get away from him.

When Ana gets scared of Chedward's arrival, her mother does what any caring mother would do.
Leaves, because she's got all the motherly instincts of Joyce Summers.
I wonder what Chedward is thinking during their talk?
"She's having second thoughts about our relationship because of my creepy stalker tendencies. I should wow her with my money again."
And that's exactly what he does.

Cars, choppers, gliders. His entire 'charming personality' boils down to the shit he owns.

It doesn't entirely work this time however, because when they get back on the ground she asks more questions, like "What are you afraid of?"
Having to treat other people like humans with actual emotions?
Because he hasn't done that yet.
Like, at all.
Before he can answer he gets a phone call. This movie doesn't tell us what it was, but if you've read the books you'll know that it's his crazy ex that his abuse mentally broke.
Yes, that's a thing.
Ana gets back to Seattle and goes to see Chedward, who's arguing with someone on the phone.
And I have good news, this is the final scene.
Yay.
So they have sex again (It's dull and repetitive, being exactly the same as all the ones that came before) and afterwards they talk. Or at least, she tries to talk, but he refuses, saying it's just who he is. If she knew what he was really like then she wouldn't want to be with him.
So she tells him to go all out. To give her everything. So he does.

Truly this is the man of every woman's dreams.

This scene is painful to watch. This girl, whom he claims to love, is physically sobbing from pain and he just keeps going. I know she said she wanted to feel it all and she's not using the safeword (As stupid a safeword as it is). BUt that shouldn't matter. If you genuinely love someone then seeing them in pain should not make you horny. Any responsible dom would have stopped this after the third stroke at most. He's not a dom, he's a sadist.
So after it ends Ana gets up and leaves, telling Chedward not to come near her.
That night he comes into her bedroom and asks her not to hate him
He doesn't say sorry.
He doesn't care how she feels about herself, only how she feels about him.

This guy. This. Fucking. Guy.

She tells him to leave and he does.
In the morning, she's gathered her things and she tells him not to contact her again.
Then she leaves. We get a montage of all of their most 'romantic' times together (Or at least, what we're supposed to think was romantic) and the film finally does what I've been begging it to do for the past thirty minutes.
It ends.

Yaaaayyyyy!

This movie was fucking horrible.
There's no way around it, every element was bad. Ana has no personality, which is actually a step up from the books. In the books she was a judgmental, jealous bitch who assumed every woman was out to take her man. Here she only acts like that a few times.
The other characters are worthless and only exist because they were in the books. heck, Jose literally vanishes partway through and only gets a throwaway line about leaving texts.
Not that he was a particularly strong character from the three scenes he was in before that point.
But by far the worst thing about this entire experience was having to put up with that smug, uncharming, abusive asshole Christian Grey for so long. Every moment he's on screen sends chills down my spine. As someone who has been told that he's accidentally creepy, I can categorically say that you have to try to be this creepy. It is impossible to do it by accident.

AS for the rest of the movie, not much held up well. The cinematography was genuinely good and the music was alright, but the scenes felt empty. Especially the sex scenes. This movie had an 18 rating and yet they still refused to show Ana having an orgasm. Heck, even Chanbara Striptease was willing to show that. At least their main characters had some kind of chemistry, everything I hated about the male was due to his uselessness.
So yeah, Chanbara Striptease was a better romance story than this.

But there is good news. This movie had a surprisingly strong ending, with Ana walking away from Chedward. If this movie were standalone then it would actually have an inspiring message hidden within, about not letting an abuser control you and reclaiming your freedom.
Unfortunately, the sequel is already scheduled for release. And even worse, it's entirely under the 'creative' control of James.
I can only hope that I die of natural causes before that day arrives.

Oh, I should also provide a link to The Nostalgia Critic's website. 
He's a much better reviewer than me and I have used a few of his jokes during this review. 

But what do I have scheduled? A little-known Thai film called Chocolate, which is about autism.
And asskicking.