Thursday, 9 March 2017

Deadpool

Deadpool used to be my favourite superhero.
This guy.
But in 2016, something occurred that made me re-evaluate and I have to admit, Deadpool is no longer my favourite.
What?
Uhh, excuse me?
How dare you drop me!
Deadpool? What are you doing here? Why are you here?
More importantly, how are you here?
Uh, helloooo? I'm Deadpool? The guy who treats the fourth wall like a urinal? Did you really expect to be able to get away with reviewing MY movie without me showing up to ensure that you stay focused on revelling in the glory that is me?
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Exactly. Now, would you mind explaining why I'm not your favourite superhero? And you better explain quickly, because I've got a whole clip of ammunition with your name on it.
Well, actually each bullet has the name of one of your various extremities carved into them. "George's Left Pinkie Toe" is my personal favourite but don't let "George's Right Testicle" know, it gets jealous.
Okay, Wade, listen. Let's get through reviewing your movie and I'll explain.
Fine, I'll listen. But just so you know, I'm putting my gun within easily-reachable distance, so don't get any funny ideas.
Let's just get started.
The movie opens and I'm delighted to find out that it isn't a freaking flashback. There's not even any narration. It is a glorious thing.
It instead opens with a well-choreographed credit sequence, involving a fight scene in progress. And by "In progress" I mean freeze-framed so that we can get a good look at the insanity that is going on.
"Twentieth Century Fox finally let's us make the movie they should have let us make ten years ago" would be more accurate.
The title sequence does kinda rip-off Honest Trailers, but they do admit that in the Honest Trailer for Deadpool, which seems kinda recursive.
The credits are full of jokes and Easter eggs, so I could spend the entirety of this review just pointing them out, but sadly, I don't think my new gun-toting friend would have the patience for that.
Hmnmhchmch?
Are you eating a chimichanga?
Yeah, so?
Where'd you get the chimichanga?
Found it in your freezer.
But I don't own any chimichangas.
Then where'd I find this chimichanga?
It's not like we really had much choice about who to cast. I mean, could you imagine if we'd cast Nathan Fillion instead?
Wow, can you believe we actually made that reference?
Is it just me, or is this angle not really complimenting me?
Well, this movie was made by Fox.
Did you know that DC have created a character called Red Tool who's a very clear rip-off of me?
After the opening we get a smash-cut and the viewers get their first look at me in all of my cinematic glory.
As you ride in the back of a taxi.
To be fair, I didn't stay in the back for very long.
The taxi driver gets a name and a backstory, which actually does play into the plot later. His name's Dopinder and he's having problems with a girl he likes because she's dating a massive douche-canoe who doesn't treat her right.
So Deadpool, being the kind soul that he is, offers Dopinder some helpful relationship advice.
I tell him to kidnap and murder his rival.
Yes, thank you Wade, I was getting to that. Remind me to never to ask you for relationship advice.
Why, are you having troubles? I'm sure it's nothing a good knee-capping can't fix.
I think I'll pass.
See George, this is why you're going to be single for the rest of your life. Girls like bad boys, and what's badder than hospitalising someone?
Back to the movie, and Deadpool tells Dopinder to let him out on top of an overpass. Deadpool proceeds to avoid paying cab fare by being an incredibly scary individual.
Can you believe that the Oscar for best make-up went to Suicide Squad? Seriously? I think someone was on the take.
After the reveal, we get another smash-cut to our main villain for this movie, a British arsehole named Ajax, who's a jerk even to his customers.
I know, a British guy playing a villain in an American action film, what will they come up with next?
Ajax tells his buyer that there's been a disruption in the supply chain for his goods, so they'll have less to sell until they can get it sorted out.
Three guesses who's been causing the disruption.
Oooh, oooh, let me guess. Was it Betty White?
What? No.
Was it Squirrel Girl?
No, look, it was a rhetorical question. I do that sometimes. You're the disruption.
I know, I just like messing with people. Wait, is Squirrel Girl your new favourite superhero?
Can we get back to the movie?
Because I would totally understand if it were her. She's not only cute, but she has what you would call a 'Bouncy' personality.
Ignoring that sorry excuse for a joke, let's have a decent screenshot of Ajax's face.
Do we have to?
Ajax is played by a guy named Ed Skrein, who is perfect in the role. He's expressive, funny and you just love to hate him.
He's also incredibly sexy.
I was getting to that.
Sure you were.
Meanwhile, back at the overpass, Deadpool is doodling while he waits for his targets to arrive.
And then he shocks any cinema-goers who weren't aware of what kind of a character he is, by talking directly to the audience about Hugh Jackman's testicles.
If I make a fourth wall joke about me making a fourth wall joke, how many walls am I breaking?
Deadpool comes up with a new catchphrase before jumping off the overpass and attacking Ajax's goons. He slaughters the poor blighters in the car with ease, taking out several motorcyclists in the process. And it is exactly what we came here to see.
Ooooh look, it's the beginning of the movie.
As the car smashes down the highway and rolls to a stop, we cut to the Xavier Institute, where a certain metal man is having his morning cereal.
Whilst watching the news.
This is Colossus, he eats cereal with his pinky out.
I'm confused as to why Colossus feels the need to eat his cereal whilst in his metal form.
Colossus is a very well-known member of the X-Men, but the young girl who accompanies him throughout this film isn't. Mostly because she was barely in the comics, the writers just chose her because they thought her name sounded cool.
I still think Negasonic Teenage Warhead is the coolest name ever.
Amusingly, the comics decided to introduce this version of the character into the Main comic-verse.
With even more powers than she has in the movie.
Whoa, really?
Yep.
Sweet! What kind of powers did they give her?
She can see the future.
That's awesome! I'm so gonna recruit her into a team one day.
You did. She's one of your Mercs For Money.
Careful dude, spoilers!
You called?
You stay out of this, there're enough voices in this review as it is, we don't need any of you DC whackos making it any more crowded.
Anyhoo, if Wade's done with all of the distractions, we can get back to the fight scene in progress.
Deadpool gives the goons an opportunity to surrender, before killing them all in a hilarious, over-the-top fashion.
I. Am. So. Fucking. Awesome!
Hey, Wade, cool it with the swearing okay? I only do that during reviews of Frank Miller movies.
One of the guys turns out to be a Mutant (And unlike Disney, we're allowed to say that) and he's resistant to bullets to the forehead. He rolls up his sleeves (So cliche) and attacks Deadpool with a pair of knives.
I don't think Francis hires them for their brains.
Oh yeah, throughout the entire exchange, Deadpool has been referring to Ajax by his real name, Francis. Which Deadpool seems to find hilarious.
I'll be honest, I have no problems with the name itself. It just really annoys him that I even found it out. And in case you couldn't tell, I don't like the guy.
Deadpool explains to the audience that this movie is a love story, but he's going to have to tell us via the medium of a flashback.
I know right? Flashbacks in movies are so ASS-inine.
I hate you sometimes Wade.
I have no feelings about you whatsoever, unsuccessful internet movie critic.
This scene is lifted directly from Deadpool vs Hawkeye, though at the time it was Bullseye pretending to be Hawkeye.
Basically, badass-for-hire Wade Winston Wilson has hidden himself in the bathroom of this poor schmuck and ordered pizza. It looks like wade is there to kill the schmuck, but he's actually there to intimidate the pizza guy into leaving a girl alone.
Ryan Reynolds is so gorgeous he looks good even in that haircut.
In the comics he killed the pizza guy, but I'm guessing the execs wanted him to be a little more heroic than his comic book persona, so instead they let him live.
Hey! I'm heroic. I'm even a member of the Avengers.
Even you don't believe that you deserve to be an Avenger.
That may be a good point, but just remember who has the fully-loaded gun.
And if you say ANYTHING against me for eating pineapple on pizza...
Actually I won't care, that's a matter of taste and everybody's tastebuds are different.
As Wade's telling the stalkee that the pizza guy won't be giving her any more grief, he explains to the audience (Via narration) that he's definitely not a hero. He's just a bad guy who gets paid lots of money to mess up worse guys.
He visits a mercenary bar run by his friend Jack Hammer, AKA Weasel.
You be nice to Weasel, he gives the best blowjobs in Boston.
I may or may not be talking about the cocktail that he let me name.
Fun fact, in the comics Weasel was in the same class as Peter Parker. And Jessica Jones. And the current Venom. And a short-lived hero called Bluebird.
What is with that school and super-people? Someone really needs to look into the water supply and get it checked.
Wade tries to get one of his fellow mercenaries killed so that he can win something called The Dead Pool, which is based on an old Dirty Harry movie. Put simply, everyone bets on who's going to die next, though Wade likes to try and cheat his way to victory.
Come on, what's a little attempted murder between friends?
As wade celebrates a successful job by offering to pay for a round for the entire bar, he gets approached by a very pretty lady named Vanessa, who's played by Morena Baccarin, an actress most famous for playing a prostitute love interest alongside an actor from Two Guys and a Girl.
So in this movie, she plays the prostitute love interest of an actor from Two Guys and a Girl.
Does nobody even remember that she was in that alien show?
They chat and hit it off, with Wade deciding to use his money for sex instead of buying his friends alcohol and I'll be honest, I can't say I blame him.
Wade and Vanessa proceed to have a lot of fun together, which at some points even includes sex (Yay).
Happy International Women's Day.
That was yesterday.
Eh, close enough.
They date throughout the year and they realise just how in love with each other they are. Just before Christmas Wade proposes to Vanessa and she says yes, but that same day is the day that Wade collapses. Turns out that he has cancer in just about every part of his body that can have cancer.
Life is like a box of chocolates, only some of those chocolates have been replaced by chocolate-coated cockroaches covered in crap and you're forced to eat all of the chocolates in that box.
One day you get a Strawberry Dream, the next day you get a Craproach Surprise.
This scene is genuinely heart-wrenching, even for those of us who knew Wade's backstory going in. But there's just one slight niggle.
During the voice-over, Ryan Reynolds forgets himself and pronounces the letter Z as though he were an American.
Which makes no sense, since Ryan himself is Canadian.
Seriously? That's what annoys you?
Hey, it's a personal niggle of mine when people adopt the lame American pronunciation. Zed sounds so much cooler than Zee.
Plus, this movie's damn near perfect so I need to complain about something.
If this movie's perfect, why am I not your favourite character anymore?
I'll get to that Nancy, now quite your whining.
Anyways, back to stabby-stabby kill-time.
Yay, I love stabby-stabby kill-time.
After finishing off the last goon, Wade decides that he really needs to find Ajax. 
And then he does so.
Don't you just love when movies have nice, simple resolutions to their problems?
It was such a happy reunion. I got to stab him. With a sword.
Ahhh, good times.
Ajax is at first confused, since he has no idea who this nutter in fetish gear is, but Deadpool makes sure to jog his memory. Before Deadpool can get any answers to his questions though, he gets interrupted by a certain metal man.
Let's just say that Kitty Pryde is a very lucky woman.
Colossus throws Deadpool into a car, causing him to flashback to the worst time in his life.
Still better than the Ultimate Universe version of me.
Back in the past, wade and Vanessa are talking about his cancer. Vanessa wants to be there for him, but Wade doesn't want her to see him in such a state.
Later, Wade is hanging out at Weasel's bar, which is where he's approached by a very creepy-looking individual.
I would make jokes about this guy looking like Rolf Harris' wingman, but I make enough paedophilia jokes in the movie.
Creepy McCreeperson (Oooh, I like that) offers Wade a chance to get rid of the cancer and gain superpowers into the bargain.
Naturally, Wade thinks the guy is crazy.
However, that night Wade is thinking about what his cancer will put Vanessa through and he decides that he has nothing to really lose, so he decides to give Not-So-Slenderman a call and sign up for whatever procedure he's selling.
But before that, let's watch my life take a sideways turn.
Colossus scolds Deadpool, but Deadpool just quips and ignores him. He meets Negasonic and expresses jealousy over her name (Wouldn't you? That name's awesome!).
Would now be a good time to point out that I am really attracted to girls with nose rings?
Deadpool continues to beat up Ajax, which kinda upsets Colossus, what with Ajax being unable to fight back and everything.
Which was just the opportunity Ajax needed to escape.
This would be the manufactured excuse that this movie needed to have the superheroes fight each other.
And what an epic fight it is.
That was my second-favourite wrist.
Colossus handcuffs Deadpool and starts to drag him away. Deadpool, however, has other ideas. Which ideas?
Well, you know how trapped coyotes will gnaw their own legs off to escape?
Something like that.
I was tempted to make a Saw reference, but then I remembered that those movies sucked.
As Deadpool lays on the back of a garbage truck, he reminisces about the past once more. This time he's flashbacking to when he entered the secret experimentation facility and first met his Doctor, Ajax.
Well, it's either that or Dr. Killebrew's been working out. Looks good for his age.
We also meet Ajax's assistant, a super-strong lady named Angel, who's obsessed with always having an unused matchstick in her mouth.
What's the betting that that'll come in handy later?
Turns out that the facility doesn't so much grant people superpowers. Instead they simply find people with inactive X-genes and put them under extreme stress in order to activate it.
And by 'Extreme stress' I do of course mean torture.
"Why do they do this?", I'm pretending to hear you ask.
It's so that they can brainwash them and get a legion of supersoldiers that they can sell to the highest bidder.
This is Angel, you'll be seeing a lot more of her.
Though not as much as Colossus will.
Wade survives everything that gets thrown at him, but it's when he learns that Ajax's real name is Francis that things change. Francis doesn't like people know his real name, so he decides to let Wade know the truth about the whole 'brainwashed supersoldiers' plan, which puts the kibosh on any chances Wade had of seeing Vanessa again.
He then puts Wade into an oxygen-deprivation tank, which will monitor his heart to provide just enough oxygen to keep him alive, but in extreme agony.
This, combined with the above-mentioned revelation, causes Wade to mutate. His cancerous cells alter, granting him extreme regenerative capabilities, but also changing his physical appearance into something closely resembling finely mashed vomit.
Oh wow, that's really insensitive of you. I know, why don't we all make fun of your physical shortcomings for a while?
Yeah, thought as much, enjoy your wonky teeth you British fuck!
Francis tells Wade that he's seen similar side effects before, but although he could cure them, he's not going to. Because he doesn't want to.
So he locks wade in the oxygen deprivation tank again, this time planning to leave him there for a whole week. Just for the fun of it.
Wade has other plans. Plans involving explosions.
Remember those matches that Angel always insisted on having in her mouth?
Big explosions always make me feel better about myself.
Francis notices the giant fireball and comes running, getting into a fight with a very naked Wade.
Yeah, it's time to kick his ass!
Wade, this is a flashback, you already know the outcome.
Maybe I'll do better this time?
Or maybe not.
Wade survives the fire due to his healing factor. He goes to the only person he truly cares about, but can't bring himself to face Vanessa with his current, uhh, face.
Wow, nice word repetition there buddy, I think you owe Kristen Stewart an apology.
...
Yeah, you're right, she deserves it.
After Wade fails to talk to Vanessa, he goes to see Weasel, who is understandably shocked to see wade alive.
Here's another 'Fun fact' for you. Roughly half of the outtakes to this movie involve this jerkoff adlibbing insults about my new appearance.
Weasel helpfully points out that Francis doesn't know that Wade survived and comes up with the idea of wearing a mask. All of the time. Mostly for the sake of others.
This gives Wade the idea to adopt a secret identity, naming himself after the Dead Pool the mercenaries were all involved in (And Weasel can now never win).
That's just what he gets for betting on me.
Deadpool makes a not-very-good costume to use when murdering everybody working for Francis, but struggles to get the blood out.
So he takes the advice of a random blind woman at the laundromat.
It's almost like you took this screenshot specifically because you knew this woman would be important later.
After a montage of Deadpool murdering lots of people and improving his costume (Set to an awesome personalised song by Teamhadkick, might I add) he finally catches up to Mr. Paedo-suit and gets some answers.
But not before killing this poor slob with a zamboni.
After killing the Men In Black wannabe, Deadpool phones for a taxi, which brings us back to the present, where Deadpool is clambering out of the garbage truck.
Deadpool whines to the camera about how annoying life is, before introducing us to his room-mate, whom we've already met. The blind lady from the laundromat.
So that makes this fourth wall joke about that fourth wall joke a fourth wall joke about a fourth wall joke which is about a fourth wall joke.
I've lost track of how many walls I've just broke.
Wade chats with his blind friend for a while, giving us a nice quiet moment between the action and plot where they can just chill out.
In the comics it was hinted that Blind Al may actually be his mother, with Captain America being his father.
In this universe, that seems unlikely at best.
Blind Al comforts Wade, acting like a mother figure, whilst he works out his next move.
Francis, meanwhile, has figured out his next move. He decides to go to the bar where his recruiter first mistook Wade for a child and tried to grab him (Ha! It's funny because it implies that he's a paedophile.) and politely asks the bartender for information. 
Of course, since the bartender's Weasel, things are not going to be looking too good for Wade. Because in the comics, Weasel is an abject coward who would sell his own mother at the slightest hint of mild discomfort.
Though in this universe, things are slightly different.
Despite standing up to Francis, they find a photo of Wade and Vanessa that Weasel keeps behind the bar.
And, by unlucky coincidence, Angel happens to recognise Vanessa.
No reason is given as to exactly why Angel knows that Vanessa works at a strip club.
Ooh, ooh, I bet I can guess.
Shut up Wade.
Nice to see that Stan Lee's retirement plan's working out.
Weasel tells Wade what happened and he decides to bite the bullet and finally face Vanessa.
Unfortunately, Vanessa is too busy being kidnapped in the back alley to meet with him.
That's weird, it wasn't raining when I went in. My plot sense is tingling.
Back at home Wade has a freak out about Vanessa being taken. His anger gets momentarily stalled when his phone receives a text from her, but it's actually Francis telling him where to meet them.
To add to the humour, in the upcoming Emoji movie, Sir Patrick Stewart is voicing the Poop.
Wade, Weasel and Al collect all of the guns in the house, which can only be described as a ridiculous amount.
But before he sets off to murderise Francis, he decides to get some backup.
From the X-Men.
Or, at least, the only two X-Men that the studio was willing to pay for.
Ryan Reynolds adlibbed that exact same joke.
For some unknown reason, instead of taking the X-Jet, Deadpool decides to call upon his good friend Dopinder for a lift.
Dopinder gives us an update on his romantic situation, which involves his rival being locked up in the boot of his car.
And now Dopinder no longer has a love rival. See what happens when you take my advice on romantic issues?
I don't own a car and have no desire to do so.
You are such a square.
I prefer the term 'Upstanding citizen'.
That's what I said.
While the decision to stick with Dopinder doesn't make any logical sense, it does give us an amusing image of Colossus sitting in the back of a taxi.
Totally worth it.
They reach their destination and prepare to enter with a badass walk, set to 'X Gone Give It To Ya', but are held up when Negasonic realises that Deadpool left his duffel bag full of weapons in the taxi.
And no, we're not allowed to point out that this is clearly a SHIELD Helicarrier.
Deadpool attempts to phone Dopinder and get his bag back, but Dopinder's got some new problems.
Okay, I'll admit that my advice didn't exactly work out as planned for Dopinder.
Deadpool decides that he doesn't have time to wait, so he walks into the obvious trap armed with nothing but his swords and the tiny gun that he grabbed from Blind Al before he left.
Oh, and they meet some resistance.
Oh look, cannon fodder.
Francis taunts Deadpool from the top of the mysterious-scrapped-structure-that-totally-isn't-a-Helicarrier before sending Angel down to have some fun.
I am so turned on right now.
Angel prepares to punch Deadpool into next week, but he plays it smart and sends Colossus instead, since their powers line up better.
It doesn't exactly go well.
Negasonic steps up to the plate and we get our first look at her powers, which are just as cool as her name.
She explodes!
Was this really the best screenshot you could get?
Blame the choreography, if the camera zoomed out for a moment I could have gotten a better one.
Stop making lame excuses. This is why this blog struggles to beat 300 views a month.
Angel orders her men to fire, but Colossus returns to the fight and they start punching each other.
Deadpool takes out the cannon fodder in epic fashion, though he stops when he gets to the last one.
Why?
Because it's Bob, an old buddy of his.
Everybody remembers Bob, Agent of (Censored).
Meanwhile, Colossus and Angel are continuing to punch each other a lot, though they pause briefly when Angel suffers a clothing malfunction.
Colossus, being the gentleman that he is, turns his eyes away and politely informs her, so that she can keep her modesty.
BOOBIES!
She then punches him in the crotch.
That's a pain he hasn't felt since he turned metal.
Francis taunts Deadpool from the Helicarrier again. However, Deadpool is stuck on the ground.
That is, until Negasonic provides him with an express elevator.
This was so much fun!
Deadpool clambers to his feet, only to find Francis waiting for him, with Vanessa trapped inside of an oxygen deprivation tank. Francis turns it on, and they start fighting.
As usual, screenshots can't do it justice.
Deadpool throws one of his swords at the oxygen tank, penetrating the glass and allowing Vanessa to breath. And escape.
Which is fortunate, since Francis has rammed a dagger into Deadpool's brain, rendering him unable to move and allowing Francis to beat the stuffing out of him.
So Vanessa takes the sword and stabs the bastard.
And HOLY FUCK is it awesome!
And then things get weird.
To be fair, a did have a knife sticking out of the side of my head.
Meanwhile, Angel has downed Colossus and is strangling him with a heavy duty cable.
Until Negasonic saves him.
By exploding.
Just imagine what'll happen when she gets laid.
The explosion causes the Helicarrier to tilt sideways, throwing Francis off. Deadpool grab Vanessa and throws her back into the oxygen deprivation tank, hoping that the tank will be sturdy enough to protect her when he throws it off of the top.
And because this is a movie and he's the protagonist, he's right.
Yeah, I totally knew that this would work. Honest.
Meanwhile, Colossus has managed to carry both Negasonic and Angel clear of the wreckage, because he's the biggest boy scout on the planet. Literally.
See? This is why he's the superhero and I'm just some asshole with superpowers.
Colossus and Negasonic pull Vanessa out of the wreckage and turn around just in time to see Deadpool celebrity his victory.
His short-lived victory.
And he complains that I don't stay dead.
Deadpool and Francis tussle, with Deadpool getting the upper hand.
By dislocating both of Francis' arms.
With Francis finally beaten, Deadpool pulls his tiny pistol out of his pocket and demands that he fix what happened to Deadpool's face.
And Francis chooses this moment to reveal that he can't fix his face, nobody can.
This angers Deadpool (No shit!) and he prepares to finally finish him off, but they get interrupted by Colossus, who has a speech about heroism to give.
Which Deadpool actually listens to. Mostly.
It was a very good speech, but I really wanted to shoot Francis.
Colossus is not impressed, but Deadpool promises to do better next time.
And so, he meets with Vanessa and finally reveals his new face to her.
What?
After removing the Hugh Jackman mask that he literally stapled to his own face, Vanessa and Wade kiss, proving that she doesn't care about what he looks like.
D'awwwww.
If it weren't for my mask, you'd be able to see the intense anger that I'm failing to adequately express right now.
After the reunion everyone cheers happily and Wade goes home with Vanessa.
Should we spoil the post-credit sequence, or not?
Nah, it's just setup for the next movie anyway.
In that case, I'll finish by saying that this movie was amazing.
It hit all of the right notes at all of the right times. The characters were strong and likeable, the villains were memorable and the music was amazing.
If there's anything bad to be said about it, it's that it is an overall by-the-books action movie. The plot was actually something we've seen a thousand times, but it kind of needed to be. A lot of people didn't know anything about any of these characters, and after the disaster that was 'Barackapool' we needed a simple movie so that we could really get to know the real Deadpool, and this movie delivered.
...
What?
You know what.
Uh, no I don't. I loved your movie, what's wrong?
I remember what you said at the beginning of this review. You said that after 2016 I wasn't you favourite superhero anymore. If it wasn't because of this movie, then what was it?
Oh, that would be because I discovered a new character who immediately jumped above you as my favourite.
Who? Who could possibly be funnier, sexier, or more exciting a superhero than me?
That would be Gwenpool.
This adorable little tyke.
...
That's it, you die now.
Painfully!
No! Wait! Stooooppghlch!
I'm afraid George won't be reviewing anything next week, but don't worry, I'm sure this can't be that difficult. I'll do it instead.
Let's see, what was he going to be reviewing next week?
Green Lantern?
What fresh hell have I stepped into?

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