Thursday, 23 March 2017

Green Lantern (By Deadpool)

I have made a hideous mistake.
Y'see, last week I viciously and hilariously murdered the owner of this blog. He had this whole thing where he didn't think I was the greatest superhero of all time. I know right?
But after killing him (Painfully) I was struck with this strange sensation. Some kind of sense that what I did may not have been the greatest idea. After all, if George is dead, who's going to run this blog?
Me, that's who!
However, that's where the mistake comes in.
Because of what movie I have to review.
Who's that devilishly handsome chap at the front?
Yeah, so I have to review one of the biggest embarrassments of Ryan Reynolds career, and that says a lot considering that he was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
So let's watch this puppy and fight the urge to pop some bullets into our heads.
Do you like narrated flashbacks?
No! Of course you don't, nobody does, but these Hollywood movies still insist on opening every movie with them.
Unless your narration is about Mako being the shapeshifting master of darkness, we don't care.
Some old guy rambles on about the Guardians who built powerful rings which use Willpower to defend the universe.
The rings are supposed to choose someone who is without fear to serve as a Green Lantern, which for this franchise apparently means 'Suicidally stupid'.
Apparently the worst enemy they'd ever faced was somebody called Parallax, which sounds more like a parking computer than an 'entity of fear'.
This guy.
Apparently the only Lantern powerful enough to defeat Parallax was a purple alien named Abin Sur (Get used to whacky alien names, there're gonna be a lot) and he sealed it within a dead planet.
And there he would stay forever, unless someone crashed into the planet and discovered him, but what are the odds of that?
100%, apparently.
Despite having crash-landed, these three dumbasses decide to start exploring and stumble upon Parallax, because when you imprison a galaxy-devouring threat inside of a planet you don't want to bury him too deep. What would be the point of that?
He wasn't even locked away or anything. He just woke up when he heard these shmucks land in front of him.
Parallax murders the three aliens by sucking their souls out and this gives him the strength needed to break free.
Six months later we get to meet Abin Sur, who is apparently immortal since he hasn't aged a day since imprisoning the 'Ancient threat' of Parallax.
Isn't it amazing how so many aliens look just like humans but with differently-coloured skin?
Abin Sur gets a call from his ring, which turns out to be from a very fuzzy-looking Lantern named Sinestro.
In the comics Sinestro was an amazing Lantern who eventually turned to evil after he tried to use fear to stop people from committing crimes. So he's an alien Batman, basically.
Those rings can beam a transmission halfway across the known universe, but they still get terrible reception.
Sinestro tells Abin Sur that his evacuation mission has been called off, due to everybody being dead.
This is also as worthwhile a place as any to call attention to DC's absolute hatred of civilians.
Seriously, watch any DC movie. The civilian death count is never less than a few thousand.
Abin Sur asks Sinestro what the Guardians have to say, but they're being uncharacteristically quiet about the whole affair. Which, if you know anything about the Guardians, means that it was their fault and that this is par for the course.
The Guardians aren't very good at being Guardians.
Just as the call ends, Abin's ring starts vibrating to warn him of danger, seconds before his ship gets attacked by Parallax.
Either the ring's not very good at detecting danger, or it just didn't want to be rude and interrupt his call.
Either way, the ring is surprised by the presence of a giant yellow gas monster.
Abin Sur fights back in a rather badly-choreographed fight sequence but gets his butt handed to him. He rather luckily lands directly on top of the escape pod, which is a big Stargate-looking door on the floor, for some reason.
What, does he moonlight as a Saturday Morning Cartoon villain in his spare time?
Once he's in the escape pod Abin Sur evaluates his wound and figures that he's going to die, so he sends a message via the ring (Presumably to Sinestro) saying that he's heading to the nearest inhabited planet so that it can choose a successor for him.
And naturally, that planet just so happens to be Earth.
I've circled both his ship and Earth. How is Earth the nearest inhabited planet?
Dang, our galaxy must be practically empty.
We now (Finally) get introduced to our main character, Hal Jordan, who's waking up next to a hot chick.
"Let's make our main character an asshole who sleeps with all of the hot chicks, our fans will identify with that guy." - DC Execs.
Hal's woken up late so he rushes out, barely saying two words to the hot chick.
As he speeds down the highway he takes the opportunity to wrap a present, nearly getting himself into a head-on collision.
Our protagonist, ladies and gentleman.
I say he deserves to die for wrapping it in newspaper.
Meanwhile, at a secret military test facility, a businessman is showing off their new fighter jet to some military officials. He reckons that his new, un-manned jet is better than humans since it can't have human error.
What's the betting that he'll be proven wrong before the second act?
That's a very nice aircraft. Would be a shame if something happened to it.
Something is very seriously going to be happening to it.
Hal just about manages to make it to the facility, but gets accosted by his love interest.
I mean, she has a name, but she's not got any personality or backstory, so there's no real point in learning it. She literally exists purely to be the female love interest.
I know a great place for her to get kidnapping insurance. You get a discount if you're dating a Ryan Reynolds character.
Carol doesn't get along with Hal due to his arrogance and childishness. 
Say whaaaat? Ryan Reynolds playing an arrogant manchild? Perish the thought.
She tells him that she's had simulated battles against the new jets and has been smoked every time, so he might as well quit.
This is the kind of movie that makes teenagers think that when a girl says 'No' she actually means 'Yes, but only if you insult me enough'.
Guys, just do what I do and pay for sex.
Or masturbate. Nothing wrong with that.
Anyhoo, Hal and Carol get up in the air for the demonstration. Their two jets and human minds versus the new ones with their robo-brains.
The new jets prove to be rather difficult to combat, but Hal almost immediately comes up with a plan, but not before making a misogynistic remark towards Carol.
Because no matter what profession you claw your way to the top of, there's always some jerk who thinks he's better due to his penis.
Hal uses Carol as a decoy, letting the new jets 'shoot' her.
If it seems like I'm not too fond of Hal, it's only because he's thoroughly unlikable and not even Ryan's charm can save him.
Hal soon discovers that it was all for naught since the new jets are able to predict his attacks and dodge in time, so he decides to rip-off Iron Man and fly straight up until they stall.
Sure, he stalls as well, but he takes the chance to 'shoot' the new jets down before flashing back to his father.
Because DC are so in love with Batman that they need to turn all of their superheroes into Batman-lites.
If he's so prone to having flashbacks about his fighter-pilot father, why does he keep a picture in his fighter-jet?
His jet starts going into a flatspin as it plummets towards the ground, but Hal's too busy flashbacking to his father's death-crash to save himself.
Yeah, his father died after crashing his jet. This traumatised Hal. So, naturally, he decided to go into the exact same profession that killed his father.
Almost forgot to mention that he escaped.
Later on everyone is chewing Hal out for sacrificing his wingman, ignoring the rules of engagement, destroying an F-35 and, most importantly, blowing the lucrative defence contract the company was trying to get.
Just when the audience is wondering how this asshole hasn't been fired yet, his boss fires him.
Oh, and fyi, the boss is Carol's father.
Because it's not like a woman could get such a high position based on talent and determination, amirite?
Carol over-rules her father and says that Hal's grounded pending an investigation, before immediately changing her attitude and asking if he's ok.
Did a five-year-old write this romance? She couldn't be more tsundere if she tried.
Later, Hal visits a small girl's birthday party. Coincidentally, everybody there is watching the news, which is reporting on Hal's crash.
Because doesn't everybody watch the news at birthday parties?
"This has been Plot Convenience News."
At least this movie doesn't go with making the small child belong to the lead's ex-wife. Instead Hal's merely an uncle, because no self-respecting woman would be dumb enough to let him make a baby inside of her.
Hal doesn't get along with his brother due to Hal being a massive jerk all of the time.
But he's nice to the eleven-year-old that h's related to, which surely makes up for everything else right?
Also, could this kid's room be any more generic? You've got the model rocket, the toy dinosaurs, the sports posters and even the damn Rubik's Cube. Seriously Hollywood, put in some effort. Make him a nerd obsessed with comic books, or a pervert with posters of cheerleaders or give him a shelf full of fantasy novels. Something other than every-kid-in-every-Hollywood-movie-ever.
Just as Hal's leaving the birthday party (Why do these things always happen when a child's having a birthday?) Hal gets kidnapped by a glowing ball of green energy.
Something that goes completely unnoticed by the rest of the neighbourhood.
The glowing green energy takes Hal to meet Abin Sur, and he takes it surprisingly well.
"Okay Ryan, for this scene we need you to stare like an idiot."
Hal drags Abin Sur out of the ship and tries to help, but Abin is beyond helping at this point. He hands the ring to Hal and mentions placing it within the lantern, muttering about responsibility whilst he does so.
Dude, I've heard enough speeches about responsibility from old Web-head, we don't need any more from you.
Then Abin croaks.
Luckily for the PG-13 rating, this alien has no identifiable genitalia.
Hal grabs the lantern from inside the escape pod and does what anybody would do.
He phones his nerd friend.
Well, he's certainly cuter than Weasel, I'll give him that.
They flee when they spot helicopters approaching.
Meanwhile, on Oa, the Guardians are meeting with Sinestro to talk about Parallax.
It's like the Jedi council, only everybody looks like Yoda but nobody acts like him.
Sinestro tells them everything that the audience already knows, just in case we forgot something within the last 20 minutes.
"Abin Sur's last message indicated that he knew what it was. His last words were only It's Parallax."
So, he knew what it was. It was Parallax. That sounds pretty clear.
The Guardians tell Sinestro that there's much he doesn't know, but they don't bother to tell him what they mean by that. He doesn't even ask. After all, what could they possibly know that could be helpful in the upcoming battle?
I mean, other than literally everything.
Anyhoo, time to introduce our other villain for this movie, because if there's anything we've learned it's that superhero movies can never have enough bad guys.
And he plays chess, the fiend!
This is Hector Hammond and he's a more personal villain than the giant yellow death cloud from space.
Which is something that shouldn't ever need to be said.
He's the son of the Senator from earlier who was watching the jet demonstration. He's incredibly smart but his father doesn't respect him and he has no luck with women due to his social awkwardness.
He and Hal kinda know each other, but not really.
Basically, he's a nerd who can't talk to girls and is jealous of the popular jerk that the girls fawn over.
Gee, I wonder why this movie didn't appeal to fans of comic books.
He's contacted by some shady government types and taken to a secure facility, where he meets Dr. Amanda Waller, who is basically DC's answer to Maria Hill, only without the morals.
In the comics she's an overweight woman in her late-40s/early-50s. Here, notsomuch.
Amanda Waller is the typical hardass government woman who would consider nuking a city to deal with a threat as Option A.
She introduces Hector to the body of Abin Sur, requesting his help to do the autopsy.
Either that or they want him to help with the Stargate project.
Hector quite rightly asks why they asked him to come help, and Amanda says that he's a xenobiologist.
Hold on one moment whilst I Google that.
Hold on one decade whilst I get a Doctorate just so I can understand the definition.
Okay, stable time loop confirmed. Just wanted to say that whilst it sounds dumb and made up, it is actually a real thing that would be applicable to the situation.
Which kinda pisses me off, to be honest.
Meanwhile, back at Hal's place, he's practising his dabbing.
He's reverse dabbing, or rabbing, as I've just named it.
I'm disappointed that Google Chrome's spellcheck doesn't flag dabbing as a fake word.
But no, he's not dabbing, he's trying to get the ring to activate.
Alone, because apparently his nerd friend wasn't excited to see him trying to activate alien artefacts.
This movie just doesn't understand its' viewership. Like, at all.
As Hal struggles to work out how to get it working, Hector is busy performing the autopsy of Abin Sur. These both get shown concurrently, so let's start with what happens to Hector.
Hint: That yellow stuff isn't good.
I was going to complain about the yellow stuff skipping Hal and infecting Hector, but it's shown to only jump a tiny distance when Hector's hand pokes it.
So what I will complain about is why the heck is Hector poking his fingers around inside an alien corpse? Yeah, he's got gloves on, but who knows what could be inside there. There could be a powerful acid like in Alien.
Which they should be remembering since they'e dealing with a freaking alien!
Are you seriously trying to tell me that the government doesn't have access to manipulateable robot arms? At least for the initial probing?
Yeah, it's dumb.
Speaking of dumb, back to Ryan Reynolds, who's also undergoing some changes.
Did he get a haircut?
He's been trying all sorts of things to get the ring to work, finally hitting on the idea of touching the ring to the lantern. Which, y'know, should've been one of the first things he tried.
But once he does so, the ring activates and he starts reciting the Green Lantern oath.
In a complete deadpan voice, with no emotion thrown behind it.
Come on Ryan, it's the GL oath! You don't say it. You either yell it to the heavens or you whisper it under your breath, but you never just say it.
And just as he's about to finally get his powers (30 minutes into the movie) he gets interrupted by a knock on the door.
Well that's unusual, being cock-blocked by the girl you want to bang.
Hal and Carol go to a bar and he starts getting deep. I don't mean that in a sexual way. I mean that in a boring, emotional, soul-searching way. Where the guy starts to look at how he acts and tries to be better.
Like what I've been doing for the past 20-odd years.
They talk a bit, with Hal noting that they haven't been to that bar together since they, ahem, got together. And I do mean that sexually.
Apparently that day was Carol's birthday, which Hal didn't notice nor remember, only remembering the boning that occurred.
Because he's a horrible person. Why does she hang out with him again? It's certainly not because of his penis. Trust me, I know what he's packing.
So if we were to bang, would it be gay sex or masturbation?
Let's just say that I'm willing to find out.
The hard way.
Hal persuades her to dance for a bit, mostly by continuing to ask her even when she says no (Great message guys) and they talk some more. Carol says that she went over the flight data and she knows that his controls didn't freeze, meaning that he did. This causes him to storm off, presumably leaving her stranded. Unless they drove there separately.
As he returns to his car, some people try to mug him.
They come to regret that decision.
As he tries to fight back, Hal accidentally activates the ring, causing a giant fist to punch the muggers several feet. One of which goes through a brick wall.
That guy is oh-so-very-dead.
The ring surrounds Hal with another glowing green energy ball and flies off into space, taking him straight to Oa.
I have no idea where Oa is or how far away it's meant to be, but this is some bullshit right here.
I mean yeah, it appears to take him through a wormhole, but if they have the technology to make wormholes they why did Abin Sur need that ship? Why does it take the Lanterns so long to get anywhere?
As he approaches Oa he passes out, presumably from the G-forces but it's never explained. Also not explained? How he winds up buck-ass nekkid.
Do the Oan's not have beds? I mean, they have chairs and most races seem humanoid. You'd think a bed would be cheaper to run that whatever this is.
The machine scans his body, inside and out, before jolting him awake.
And when he does wake up, we get our first look at the infamous Green Lantern costume.
It's green. And animated.
That thing is hideous. It looks fake as fuck and the effects aren't even decent. This bullshit is the worst insult to the fans, nevermind everything else wrong with the movie, this is why the movie bombed at the box office and why DC didn't go through with making a DC Movie-verse for so long.
Wade, shut the fuck up.
Wait, what? Who the fuck was that?
It's me, George. I've come back from the dead.
What? Are you here to warn me that three ghosts will be visiting me as the clock strikes throughout the night to persuade me to give up my wicked ways?
What? No!
I'm here to tell people to shut the fuck up about the Green Lantern costume that they used in this movie.
Are you telling me that you actually like the costume?
Well, yeah.
But it looks so fake.
It's made of light and powered by will, what did you expect it to look like, corduroy?
It has little lines of energy running across it, which are supposed to represent his overflowing willpower.
The costume is considered one of the worst things about this film.
Yeah, by idiots who apparently didn't watch the rest of the film. Listen, I'm not going to defend this film, it sucks, but at least don't accuse the one logical decision they made of being the big mistake.
You know what, fine! I don't care about this movie enough to argue. Now that you're back I'm just going to go home and heat up some week-old chimichangas.
Er, yeah, slight problem there. I'm dead, I still need you to finish the review until you can get me a new body.
Then how are you typing?
I'm possessing you. Haven't you noticed?
Eh, I've got so many voices in my head it's hard to keep track.
Just get on with it.
Fine. Hal spots a mirror and starts admiring himself (And who can blame him?) when he's met by a Green Lantern named Tomar-Re, who lampshades what just happened.
Dude, Ryan Reynolds started 'admiring' himself when he hit puberty and he's not going to be 'concluded' anytime soon.
Something that does annoy me. When Hal first activated the lantern, his eyes changed colour. In the comics and cartoons, the eyes of a Lantern always match the colour lantern they use. Red Lanterns have red eyes, Blue Lanterns have blue eyes and all Green Lanterns have green eyes. This is a side effect of being a Lantern and is in effect whenever they're wearing their ring.
So why did this movie stop bothering to do that?
Because they didn't care?
Tomar-Re explains that the ring is translating his language, because literally every sci-fi show and movie everywhere needs to have that happen. He then shows Hal around the place.
A world I would describe as impressively generic.
It's like they couldn't decide between Coruscant and old-school Krypton, so they just went with ramming them both together. Badly.
Tomar-Re exposits about who the Guardians are and what the Lanterns do and blah-blah-blah-yakkity-yakkity. If your brain hasn't truend to ush ...
Did you just have a stroke?
Maybe? I think the sheer boredom of this scene temporarily erased my ability to type words.
What I was trying to say was that if your brain hasn't turned to mush from utter boredom, you might recognise Tomar-Re's voice as the narrator from the beginning of this movie, meaning that he's told us all of this stuff twice.
Would shooting someone get the boring guy to shut up? It worked in my movie.
Then Tomar-Re casually tells Hal that they're going to fly.
As you can imagine, this gets Hal giddy with excitement.
Which is why I was so disappointed when he picked it up immediately. How much funnier would it have been if he'd just crashed onto a lower platform?
Isn't that a little too, I don't know, Superheroe Movie?
Superhero Movie was a better superhero movie than this movie.
Fair point.
Tomar-Re naturally takes the complete newbie to the great battery, which powers all of the lanterns which in turn power all of the rings.
Because when you've got a recruit whom you know nothing about and the only criteria of which is 'Most willpower', you want him near the most important part of the entire universe.
Just imagine if they'd gotten some nutjob who wholely believed that destroying such a device was the best course of action.
They fly to a very, very large meeting of Lanterns, with Tomar-Re talking about how ridiculously big the universe is (Though modern astronomy disagrees with him. His estimate was too small. By a lot.) and Hal gets to meet a whole bunch of non-humanoid aliens, none of which have any importance to the movie.
Oh look, a Green Hornet.
Sinestro arrives and gives a speech to the gathered Lanterns, telling them about Parallax. He also mentions that it killed Abin Sur, then looks directly at Hal when he says that Abin Sur's "Light can never be replaced."
Sinestro talks about how he's going to take the strongest members and destroy Parallax, placing a lot of emphasis on how invincible the Lanterns are.
So, was anybody surprised when he became a bad guy? Like, at all?
Didn't think so.
Obviously, Hal isn't chosen for the mission, since he needs to be trained on how to use his ring properly.
And every training montage needs a drill sergeant.
This particular sergeant's name is Kilowogg.
Kilowogg puts Hal through some seriously rough training, which makes me think Hollywood has a fetish for roughing up Ryan Reynolds.
Apparently each ring can generate the gravitational pull of a Star, making me believe Sinestro's boasting about being invincible.
Just as Hal starts to kick back (And right in the narks) Sinestro shows up, determined to humiliate Hal.
He doesn't think a mere human can live up to the legacy of Abin Sur and he wants to make it clear to Hal that he'll never be close to the wonderful guiding star that was Abin Sur.
I think he's just angry that Abin Sur died before he could ask him out on a date.
Either that or he can't admit to himself just how gosh-darn sexy Hal is.
Hal and Sinestro square off against each other, with Hal forming a sword, to which Sinestro quips "How human" as though he's dealt with humans regularly.
Which makes no sense, since the universe is ridiculously big and humans haven't gotten past their own planet yet.
And how exactly does he know what Cap's shield looks like?
Sinestro beats Hal up whilst monologuing about how fear is the enemy of will. After knocking Hal to the ground he insults him and leaves, once again mentioning how amazing Abin Sur was.
Hal gets depressed and calls it quits, flying home and making me wonder just how long he was gone for. His training only consisted of a few scenes and nobody seems to have noticed his absence.
And Hal doesn't notice that the lantern has disappeared.
Meanwhile, back with the B plot, Hector is giving a lecture about ancient single celled organisms when he starts hearing voices inside his head.
And not the helpful kind of voices that say things like "You should pick up bread", "Did you remember to turn the iron off?" and "You should murder your family."
The voices he's hearing are actually the thoughts of his students, since he's developing psychic powers.
Including the ability to throw an asshole halfway across the room. With his mind.
This movie is so much more fun if you imagine cartoony sound effects.
He uses the college science rooms to check his blood and finds out that they're being altered by some alien yellow virus.
So, with an alien virus altering his cells, what does the leading xenobiologist decide to do first? Inform the government and get himself quarantined so that he can protect the rest of the human race?
No, he goes to chat to his Senator father and read his mind.
And he's the son of the Senator who was looking at the jets earlier. What a co-inky-dink.
Hector thinks that his father doesn't respect him and it turns out he's right. He reads his mind and all he gets is disappointment that he didn't turn out like Hal.
Why did the writers decide to give the villain a more sympathetic backstory than the hero?
Hector gets even madder at his dad when it turns out that the only reason he was chosen to perform Abin Sur's autopsy was because his father pulled some strings.
Meanwhile, at the edge of the Milky Way, Sinestro and his elite team attack Parallax with everything they've got.
They immediately regret that decision.
Sinestro somehow survives and reports back to the Guardians.
The Guardians finally decide to tell Sinestro the truth about Parallax, which is that it's actually a Guardian who chose to weaponise fear rather than will.
In other words, it was all their fault and they tried to cover it up.
Did Sinestro just never get around to asking about the broken chair?
Sinestro listens to the story, about how the missing Guardian sought to tame the yellow energy of fear, but got corrupted and became the very thing he had been trying to fight.
So, naturally, Sinestro suggests making the exact same mistake.
For someone who had been banging on so much about how 'Fear is the enemy of will' he sure is quick to decide to use it himself.
Back on Earth, Hal's company is hosting a party in celebration of their successful military contract, because Carol is really good at negotiating and managed to pull it back.
And our hero finally meets with our villain, almost an hour into the movie.
Turns out that they know each other by name, though they don't seem overly-fond of each other. Not outright antagonistic, but not chummy either. More like 'That-guy-you-really-hated-in-school-but-not-for-any-real-reason' kind of thing.
Hector's father is really fond of Hal though, which provokes Hector's jealousy.
And then this happens.
Hector also hits on Carol, but crashes an burns quite miserably.
Because in this movie about space police and sentient yellow clouds, we really want to see a teen romance drama play out.
Though I don't think we're going to see many kids wearing 'Team Hector' T-shirts.
Anyway, Hector's jealousy reaches a point where he decides to just murder everybody, so he throws a helicopter at them.
I'm amazed that anybody survived this. Not because it's a helicopter crashing into a crowded party, but because it's a DC movie.
Would now be a good time to point out that the Fantastic Four already did this in their second movie?
Did they do it any better?
No, that movie sucked balls as well.
But in this movie, Green Lantern saves everybody by creating a giant Hot Wheels track.
Which is not quite as dumb as it sounds, but it is pretty dumb.
And people complained about the product placement in Iron Man.
Green Lantern saves Carol from some debris, this time wearing his mask to ensure that nobody can work out who he is.
Maybe he should start wearing glasses?
That night, Hector returns home and starts screaming as his head starts changing shape.
This happens whilst he listens to Plot Convenience News telling him about how everybody survived.
Eh, just buy a top hat, I'm sure nobody will notice.
Just as the news lady asks who the hero was and where he is, the scene shifts to Hal Jordan.
I'm beginning to think this movie is actively trying to be as cliched as possible.
Hal is woken by his nerd friend who's worked out the obvious and is demanding to see everything.
"I know, right?"
The nerd is over-joyed about his best friend being a superhero, before pointing out that they always get the girl.
So Hal decides to go get the girl by showing up outside of her apartment in the costume.
And she sees straight through it because, once again, the mask doesn't really do much to protect his identity.
It's not like he really put in much effort to hide it though.
They sit on top of a building and discuss things like magic and space science, which might have been interesting if Thor hadn't done the exact same scene one month earlier.
Hal explains about the Green Lantern Corps and how he quit on his first day, which prompts Carol to point out that he quits everything.
She even uses the phrase "You've been given so much, so often."
Gee, I wonder why this movie didn't resonate with fans?
Meanwhile, Hector is looking at slides of his blood becoming ever-more altered by the yellow stuff when Amanda Waller shows up.
Somehow, when Hector touches her, he sees her memories of her whole family being murdered, because we really, really needed to know the backstory of this minor character.
This goes absolutely nowhere.
Seriously, he grabs her hand and whispers creepy-like about how he can see her memories, so what does she do? Takes him back to the corpse of Abin Sur.
No-one seems the least bit perturbed about how freaky he now looks.
Hector's dad is there and he at least acts shocked by Hector's new style. Waller reveals a tube containing some yellow stuff and says that they detected a second alien within the body of the first.
How they detected this and why they didn't do this procedure before exposing a living person is a question that will never be answered because hey look, something shiny!
"Dr. Waller, shouldn't we be enacting standard quarantine procedures?"
"Nah, let's just stand around in our business suits."
As Hector wakes up he looks angry, so Waller tells her assistant to keep him under.
If only they'd given him a name.
Just as Hector prepares to murder his father, Green Lantern shows up to save the day (They did at least have a scene where the ring glowed to tell him to suit up). He rescues Waller because she's needed for sequels (HA!) and he starts fighting Hector.
He has a ring capable of anything, but his first response to having an oxygen tank thrown at him is to do a backflip?
Green Lantern gets knocked down by one of the tanks (Because apparently that green energy field surrounding him isn't worth diddly-squat) and Hector touches him on the shoulder, instantly learning all of his secrets.
Why he had to do this and not just look at his face is another one of those mysteries that will never be answered.
While Green Lantern is i s pinned to the floor, Hector uses his powers to pick up his father and throw him into the viewing chamber.
Then sets it on fire.
It turns out that yes, the American government does have access to manipulateable robot arms.
Hal gets angry and touches his ring against Hector's head (For some reason), this allows him to talk to Parallax (For some reason).
Wait a sec... Giant alien cloud that eats worlds. Helicopter crashing into a party. Terribly forced romantic subplot. Lesser villain jealous of hero's success.
This is the second Fantastic Four movie.
Parallax recognises Hal's ring and tells him that he's going to consume Earth, then head to Oa and kill everybody there.
Dang, the Milky Way must be empty if there're no other planets worth eating before heading to Oa.
Somehow the ring blasts Hector away and he just kind of disappears in the mist.
Seriously, in one scene he's kneeling down screaming, the next he's gone.
Later, Hal is discussing the events with Carol and his nerd friend. Hal whole-heartedly believes that the ring made a mistake in picking him, since Green Lanterns are supposed to be fearless.
This doesn't gel with the fact that Parallax can only soul-strip people if they're afraid of him, but whatever.
Carol gets him out of his funk by talking about his dad, because pep talks are so awesome and every lame movie needs one.
"The movie's not taken any time to show you being courageous, so I'm just going to tell you that you are instead. Same diff."
Hal flies back to Oa, where Sinestro is ogling the new yellow ring.
"With this, I can finally have yellow speech bubbles. The ultimate power."
Just as Sinestro is talking about sacrificing Earth to save Oa (Dick) Hal shows up and starts to practically beg the Guardians to help him save his planet. he attempts to give a Picard Speech about being Human, but it kinda falls flat.
Sinestro's been working out.
It all amounts to nothing anyway though, because the Guardians aren't willing to risk everything on the chance that he's right. So they just send Hal on his own to fight Parallax.
Making the entire thing pointless.
I had to sift through 3 Gigabytes of porn to find this pic.
That is not true in the slightest.
I keep all of my porn in a separate folder.
When Hal returns to Earth, he finds Hector waiting for him, having kidnapped Carol.
See? I knew she'd get kidnapped.
Hector threatens Carol's life, saying he'll inject her with Parallax.
Also, it's worth noting that the main villain in this movie so far is now confined to a wheelchair.
So this movie has descended to having a beautiful man fighting a physically-deformed guy in a wheelchair.
Anyways, Hector gives a speech about how he could never be like Hal, so he's going to make Carol like him. This gives Hal the idea to offer Hector his ring, so that Hector could be like him.
A hero, trying to talk the villain into a peaceful resolution? That's a bold move.
But as we know from I Am Legend, Hollywood can't have stuff like that ever work. Test audiences dislike that kind of thing.
So instead, Hal uses the ring to blast Hector across the room.
Hey George, you're a nerd. Can Green Lanterns still control their rings if they're not wearing them?
I dunno. The comics are inconsistent. It changes every time a new author comes along.
So this is pretty much bullshit?
Hal catches Carol and drags her to safety, but Parallax arrives and kinda overshadows the whole thing.
Anybody else getting Balrog vibes from this thing?
Parallax drains Hector's soul from him, somehow not noticing the Green Lantern ring on his finger.
Hal runs to grab the ring, but Parallax picks him up and holds him in the air.
Then just stares at him.
I feel the need to personally taunt you, despite the fact that we've never met and I don't even know your name.
There's no logical reason for Parallax to take so long doing this, other than giving carol enough time to activate the jets and fire missiles at Parallax.
Because despite having destroyed multiple highly advanced civilisations, Parallax is weak to explosions.
Luckily Hal was outside of the blast radius.
Carol throws Hal his ring and he flies them out of the hangar.
Unfortunately, Parallax has found the nearby city.
Hmmm, alien threat in a city during a DC movie? I wonder how the civilians will fare?
Par for the course.
After Parallax eats, oh I don't know, let's say thousands of people, Hal finally shows up. He throws stuff at Parallax, but easily gets knocked down.
As he surrounds himself with a bubble Parallax starts taunting him.
See? Now this is the way you say the Green Lantern oath.
Saying the oath gives Hal enough willpower to start fighting back and he manages to lure Parallax away from the planet.
He leads Parallax into an asteroid belt, then notices the Sun and comes up with an idea.
So, he leads Parallax to the asteroid belt?
And after going through the asteroid belt (Which isn't portrayed realistically) he's closer to the Sun than he was before?
Do the screenwriters know that the asteroid belt is further away from the Sun than Mars is?
Apparently not. Listen, if screenwriters understood things like basic science, then they'd be too busy doing something worthwhile with their lives.
This movie is dumb and I hate it.
Me too buddy, me too.
It gets worse, doesn't it?
Sure does. You'll never guess how Hal defeats Parallax.
He throws him into the Sun doesn't he?
Nope. He Punches him into the Sun.
But that makes no sense. Back during Kilowogg's training, Kilowogg showed us that every ring can generate the power of a star's gravitational pull. So how the heck did any Green Lanterns die when they fought him earlier? They could have just used that to drag him into an actual star and killed him then.
Oh, I'm aware. The screenwriters had probably just written themselves into a corner, so they needed some stupid way for Hal to kill it.
Anyway, Sinestro shows up and saves Hal from falling into the Sun, and everybody praises how amazing he is.
Looks like Sinestro's finally admitting to himself how attractive Hal Jordan is.
Oh but don't worry, it gets worse.
Y'see, after the credits we get a special scene where Sinestro puts on the yellow ring.
Because they were really confident that this movie would lead into a shared universe, so they wanted to set up the next movie.
This makes no sense, considering his characterisation during this movie.
This movie was utterly terrible.
The only way to describe it is to call it an insult to the fans. Not just of Green Lantern, but of comics in general.
Still, it could be worse.
It could have been next week's movie.
Oh yeah? And what's next week's movie?
Well, for starters, you mentioned it earlier.
It can't be.
You're in it.
I hate you.
It's an X-Men movie.
If you weren't already dead I'd kill you again.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

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